Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Sage Wisdom

Fucking a girl on her period is a lot like anal sex....it's going to be really difficult to convince her to go down on you afterwards.

Monday, March 14, 2011

It's a small world after all

I've never been much for the club scene. I'm a shitty dancer and I feel creepy going up to random women and grinding on them. But sometimes it's healthy to go out of your comfort zone so last Saturday me and my buddy went out clubbin. I knew right away that if I was even going to have something that slightly resembled a good time I was going to need a decent buzz to make me lose my self-consciousness so as soon as I get in there I get myself a redbull and vodka. Right after that my friend told me that some people that he kinda knew from his school were also there tonight so we went off to find them.

I always hate being the friend who is just tagging along when everyone knows each other and I'm the new guy. But it wasn't so bad this time around. Made the introductions, asked the typical questions (where you from? what do you go to school for? spit or swallow?) and it all seemed kinda good. Eventually though these girls actually wanted to dance (who'd have thought?) and my friend seemed less enthused to do so, but I decided I was going to be a bold mofo and just say "fuck yeah, let's get out there!" The second I did so though I kinda regretted it, sure I was with 2 girls but I didn't know what to do with them. Do I dance by myself? How is one supposed to dance anyways? I just mostly move side to side in a kinda swaying motion (think the dance lesson from the movie "Hitch" and that about sums up all my dance skills). It went on like that for a little bit but I think eventually the vodka set in and I finally found my balls. I went up to the one girl that I talked to slightly more than the other and said "Ok, you're hot, let's dance."

That line worked out a lot better than I thought it would and I'm now pretty much going to use that in all future times when I want to make the transition from dancing next to someone to dancing with someone. Dancing with a girl is always easier since they really do all the work and you just kinda have to move side to side with them. So we danced a little bit and she was kinda grinding on me. Sometimes when I'm with a girl, I don't know if she's sending me the right signals for me to go in for the kiss. Basically from what I've figured out from personal experience, if you have to think about it, then you probably aren't getting the signals you want. I looked at her and her face was close to mine and she already had her head slightly tilted to the side so I just went for it. This was a good decision.

It's always tricky when you first kiss/make out with a new person because everyone has their own speed and tempo for how they do it. Maybe it was because I was buzzed or maybe she was drunk too, but I kept getting teeth. But all in all it worked out pretty well, the girl was really into me. In the process of making out with her found out she really liked having her hair pulled and having her ass slapped (honestly I think every girl likes this). Eventually though my mouth was getting tired so I went out for a smoke break and she and her friend came along, my buddy just quit smoking so he stayed inside. We talked about....stuff. I made fun of them for liking twilight and eventually we went back inside. I wanted another drink so was in line for fucking ever. After I finally got my drink the girls informed me that they were leaving, which sucked but the girl I was with gave me her number so I figured at least I have a potential lay in the future now. So the night was already a success for me but there was still plenty of time left so me and my buddy went out in search of new prey.

It was a little harder this time around since we didn't have that introduction to get the lead in. This is the most terrifying part of approaching women for me. Sure I know that really the worst thing they can say is "no" but really, my ego is too large to want to comprehend that a woman upon seeing me decides that she wants nothing to do with me, so I don't like putting myself in the position to get shit upon. But eventually you just gotta say "fuck it" right? So found this red head girl (redheads are the best) and just said "wanna dance?" and well got to grind up on her for a bit. I've danced/grinded with strangers in the past at concerts and the like and I always felt kinda weird about it because the music is so loud can't really talk to them, so wtf do you do besides rub your crotch up against their ass? So after a bit the girl I was with informs me she was off to get a refill of her water. I'm not sure if she wanted me to wait for her, or to follow but I just took as a "thanks for the dance, but I'm now politely going away from you now" so I just went back on the prowl.

Foudn my friend later on dancing with the typical blond girl that is way to good at moving her hips in a seductive manner. Then some douchebag guy came by and pushed him off of her. So my friend started to get in his face, next thing you know people are pushing people and I jumped in there to stop a fight from breaking out. Eventually some much larger men came in and pulled everyone apart (thankfully) and stopped it from getting violent. My friend went off to take a piss and I had to pretty much play babysitter for the rest of the night since he was now in one of those moods where it may punch someone for stepping on his shoes or some shit like that.

But alas there was a light at the end of the tunnel. The girls from before texted my friend telling us to come over. Don't get why they left in the first place if they just wanted us to hang later but now I went from "possibly getting laid at a later date" to "I'mma get some pusssy toniiiiiiiight" so I was pretty happy. Took some time to find their apartment (how people survived pre-google maps on phones I don't know) but we got there and kinda bull shitted for a bit.

I always find these situations to be kinda hilarious, because everyone knows what's going down. I'm gonna hook up with the girl I was with, and my friend is going to hook up with the other girl. Everyone knows that's what's going to happen. But we have to act like we came to just chill and as opposed to taking each others clothes off. Eventually after what was like a 10 minute argument we settled on a movie to watch (Anchorman) and from there things started getting fun. Eventually the other girl decided she wanted to move to the other couch instead of being on the one we were all on, my friend was kind of a dolt and just sat there and she had to say "you can come sit with me if you want" in order for him to realize what was up. So that freed up space for me and my girl on the couch. So she brought out the blanket and covered us up with it and sorta laid up against me. She was laying at an angle though that would have made it impossible for me to go in for a kiss, so I did the next best thing and groped her tits from under the blanket while the people on the other couch were making loud kissing noises. 5 minutes later they get off from the couch and they go to the girls room. So from here on in, shit was goin down.

Start making out on the couch for a bit before she decides that she wants to pull out the bed from the sofa. Do that and then my girl goes to the bathroom to like....clean up or whatever the fuck they do in there. She comes back, gets under the blanket, I get on top of her and then we just go at it. This girl was did have a little bit of chub, not all that much mind you but apparently enough to make her self conscious about it since she refused to let me take off her top. I don't get why girls do this. I'm already into you, do you really think some stretch marks or whatever is really going to make me get up and say "oh god, I'm sorry this was a mistake" and leave? So I had to just settle for rolling up her shirt and just popping her tits out of her bra...which is fine and all but the second I leave them alone, they go back into the bra and so it got kinda annoying having to fish them out every now and then.

Now I'm not sure what it's like for most guys, but it seems to be that most of the guys I know downright refuse to go down on a girl. They are just think it's gross or they think it's pointless when they can just finger bang her. Once I got over my phobia of the vag, I have made it a point to be a master of cunnilingus. It's not particularly my favorite thing to do, but if really most guys don't do that then I like to do it just so I stick out in her mind and is more willing for a round 2 somewhere down the road. Plus really personally the sexiest thing in the world is the sound of a woman moaning in pleasure, and when you're 3 fingers deep into a chick and lickng her up, you hear all the best sounds.

Eventually though we get to fucking and well...P went into the V and it was thrusted. Honestly sex isn't all that interesting to write about (when it goes correctly). Though on a side note I think I jerk off too much because really my dick was giving me some trouble that night. When she was going down on me it was fine, but when I went to put a condom on my dick was no longer that useful, so that was pretty much a waste of a condom. Also this girl had like a weird shaped vag, and missionary position just didn't felt right. Only way I got it to work right is when I propped her legs up on my shoulders so I could get a better angle. On top worked the best though. I wanted to try doggy but when I mentioned it she said "hell no, I hate that shit." which was an honest surprise since really almost every girl I've fucked, doggy was their favorite. Plus this girl obviously liked it rough at least slightly since I coudl tell she liked it when I pulled her hair, spanked her, bit her lip/neck. Hell she even wanted me to talk dirty. Since doggy is like the best position for all that stuff, not sure why she was so against it...but you know I'm not going to throw a fit about a position so I just moved on.

Eventually though we both finished up (she said her "soup" was tired...is that like a normal thing for a girl to refer to her vagina as? It's new to me) and we kinda cuddled and slept. Next few hours later was more or less kicked out which was fine by me since I didn't know what to say to these people now that we were all sober. Get home and do the typical facebook look up to see if the chick is crazy and worth calling up again a couple days later. Then I notice in our mutual friend area she is friends with my Dad. This was really fuckin weird news. Most of the people my dad is friends with is family, old military buddys and people from his church. then I had one of those movie "ah-ha" moments where everything kinda made sense. I remember a while ago when I was visiting my dad he took me to his church and I kinda sat in on one of his youth group meetings that he was in charge of. There was a girl there that had a name that stood out because it's not all that common. The girl I hooked up with had the same name. I had a one night stand with a girl who was a member of my Dad's youth group. I now feel kinda awesome.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

My first blackout

When I first started drinking I for some reason stuck only to hard alcohol. I couldn't stand beer at the time so I usually just mixed vodka or rum with whatever I could and get decently shitfaced. One night I went a little overboard. 

We were all at a party in my friends backyard and things were going great....I'm not sure exactly when I went from "pleasantly buzzed" to "obnoxious drunk" but I crossed that line and then some. The crazy thing about blackouts is that when people tell you what you did, you can almost picture yourself doing it, but have no memory of it whatsoever. 

The things I was told I did were:
  • Try and take a shit on the lawn
  • then chase people with my hands after taking a shit
  • groped a 15 (possibly 14) year old girl
  • Told a 26 year old man to hit me as hard as he can in the face
  • repeat everyones names I could remember
  • compliment a girl's top because it did a nice job of showing her cleavage
When I was first told that I did all of this, I was sure that people were just messing with me, but eventually I accepted that I made a total ass out of myself that night. Didn't surprise me though that I told the guy to hit me though, I've done it before while drunk but with not quite as large of men. I guess I was out cold for like 10 minutes and I guess he knocked my ear ring out off of me and gave me a nice bloody lip. The groping though lead to quite some stress. Though in my defense the girl in question is the very defintion of jail bait and as the story goes, a friend of mine asked her if it was ok for me to touch her boob (why? I have no clue) and she said ok. So I went for the feel, and I guess muscle memory just took over since usually when I' groping a boob I try to get under the shirt so when I did that people had to pull me off or whatever. 

The night raised some interesting questions though. Does booze turn people into raging douche bags or does the alcohol just bring out the true self and underneath it all I'm just an obnoxious perv? Still not sure what the answer is though, think it's a little bit of both. I abstained from alcohol for a bit until I eventually learned to hold my liquor...that is until my next blackout. But that's a whole other story. 

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Facebook Relationships

What a person in a relationship thinks when talking about how happy they are with their significant other: "Oh today was so great with "_____" I'm going to put a status about it showing "____" just how much I appreciated it."

What everyone else (especially the single people) thinks when seeing the post: "Shut the fuck up."

Saturday, March 5, 2011

One of these days...

I'll learn to stop saying I'm going to do one thing when in reality I'm just going to do something different. I've scrapped the entertainment hybrid blog idea just because really it just seems odd if I'll be talking about tv/movie reviews and then a few days later I'll put up a story about drunken debauchery. So Awkward Boner is going to remain my home for my anecdotes for now. May just make a separate blog for reviews and the like. Anyways have a 3 part story that I'm working on for you that'll explain why I now hate the city of Chicago. Will try and be more active on here but I'm just really fucking lazy.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

"Dying is for fools. Amateurs."

Charlie Sheen is pretty much my hero now. I've always hated 2 and a half men but this go is so bat shit crazy you just can't help but like him. The man defies karma.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Tonight

I called a 12 year old a cunt. Honestly thought she was older. Just figured I should share this milestone with all of you.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

What's on tonight

As part of trying to handle more things in my favorite mediums I will try and do a rundown of what's on tonight. When they are available I'll try and post links of the stream if you didn't catch it on TV.

The Oscars- I already said I have a man crush on James Franco and I did very much enjoy Anne Hathaway's boobs in "Love and other drugs" but I don't have the patience to deal with award shows. Much better to just catch the highlights the next day since someone out there will put up a mashup.

Californiacation- David Duchovny (sp?) as a sex addicted writer in California. Frankly I liked the 1st season the best but I like the hijinks going on so far this season.

Shameless- Show just started this season and it is pretty awesome. Basically it's a really poor family that gets by through less than legal means when they can. It is pretty hilarious and every character is their own special kind of fucked up.

Reccomandation-Spartacus: Gods of the Arena

If 300 was an hour long show that aired on Friday nights it would the Spartacus show on STARZ. The show is the very definition of testosterone, as in it's full of people being killed and sex...lots and lots of sex.

The show started off with "Spartacus: Blood and Sand" but the main actor developed cancer, so they made this prequel "gods of the arena" to bide time for the cancer to go into remission, unfortunately that wasn't the case so they'll now have to find a new actor to play the title role.

God of the arena just finished it's season and I wish I had started reviewing shows so I could go into the details of the show that made it so great without giving away spoilers but what I can do is this
http://www.sidereel.com/spartacus_gods_of_the_arena

For all you first time viewers out there this means you can view the first 2 seasons in chronological order which is kinda neat.

It's main draw is it's aggression but really the show has much better writing than you'd think it should. Most characters are well thought out, given conflicts and some redeeming qualities. the finale to both seasons have left me in awe.

Also if you wanna have some fun with this show you can turn it into a drinking game. Take a drink every time you hear "cock" "ass" and take a shot if you hear the first 2 words used in the same sentence. I doubt you'll remember the night.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

127 Hours

Just watched it. First of all, I'll admit to having a man crush on James Franco. Everything he does I love (spider-man 3 is exempt from this). But really I had 2nd thoughts about a movie where most of it was a guy standing by a rock. I was wrong.

Something you might have gleamed from previous entry's on here is that I'm not an overly emotional fellow. In fact some time ago I pretty much decided to just shut them off. Of course I still experience some feelings ya, but for the most part I've become a bitter cynic when it comes to all things in the world and nothing really gets to me.

After watching this movie I cried man tears. I believe there were 3 total, but I haven't cried since middle school when I was going through my emo phase, so that's around 10 years of holding back on emotional outbursts. But this movie, the end it just hits you with that jolt of happiness that everything worked out, it was an experience I've never felt before.

Anyways just watch the movie.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Impromptu rant

k so I've been drinking so this is rather spur of the moment but seriously...Old Navy commercials...does anyone else feel like they are being lobotomized every time these things pop up? I mean I get that commercials are just a accepted annoyance when it comes to watching TV and I know that these companys are pouring lots of money into these things to make you watch 30 seconds and be compelled to buy their product...so who the flying fuck watches an old navy commercial and thinks to themselves "I NEED TO GO SHOPPING!!!"? The fucking talking mannequins, this newest one with the dancing music video about jeans. They are just....gah it boggles my mind to figure out how the hell these things actually work on people. 

Does anyone else get annoyed by these things? Or am just being irrationally hateful? Fuck it

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Still alive

Sorry i've been neglecting this. time just gets away from me and I forget to update this sucka. Will have a proper update in the next day or so, few more story's and a rant on "sexting" to look forward to.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Sage Wisdom

"...I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die." - MrGarrison 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL..........

In honor of The Rock returning to wrestling this monday I figure I'd share a kinda funny anicdote I have involving wrestling.

Me and a buddy were hanging out and just got back to my house after going for a bowl cruise. Go inside and start channel flipping and we see that SMACKDOWN! is on television. Both me and my friend are reformed pro-wrestling lovers. I haven't watched it in a while but when I was channel flipping and saw wrestling and then changed the channel he and I took a second to register what we just saw and both went something like "OH DUDE!" and yea we ended up watching wrestling for a bit. Both of us nostalgia'd hardcore. So we were watching it, just trying to figure out wtf was going on since it's been years either of us had watched it and had no clue who was the bad guys, who was the good guys and why who hated who.

Eventually we got to talking about the games.

"Oh man, I used to play the shit out of those Smackdown! games, Here comes the pain was the shit!"-Me
"Dude...didn't they just release a new game, smackdown vs raw or some shit like that?" -my friend
"....what time does best buy close?"
*friend checks watch*
"we can make it."
"Well let's fuckin go!"

So we drove to best buy and I bought the game and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Monday, February 14, 2011

How I DID lose my virginity

Normally Valentines day is just a big reminder that I'm single. Not really an issue since really, I've tried the whole relationship thing on more that one occasion and I'm kinda terrible at it. But this day also serves as another kind of reminder for me, something that is a lot more fun to think about than me sucking relationships, the day I lost my dreaded V-card.

Since the incident at Cody Vegas me and Britney had developed a kind of friends with benefits type situation. That went on mostly fine for a few months until I managed to screw things up on a epic scale when I started to have a thing with her OTHER best friend. That started a whole shit storm of female drama and now those 2 girls that were once inseparable before me no longer speak. I was able to eventually patch things up with Britney's friend first and then later on with Britney (how I manged this while they still hate each other, not sure) but eventually me and Britney just sort of naturally fell into our old habits of her coming to my apartment and giving me head.

We never got past oral because as I had alluded to in the "Coming of Age Story: Part Two" the prospect of sex more or less terrified me since well...I was scared of the vag. I can't really explain it, maybe it was because I was exposed to hardcore porn at way too young of an age and seeing some girl spread eagle spreading something open that I have never seen before traumatized me on some kind of level. While others looked at the vajay-jay with yearning, all I saw was the sarlac pit monster from Return of The Jedi. It took one of my ex's more or less forcing me into a situation where I'd have to touch it and lick it for me to ever do it. Even while it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I had thought it would be, it still made me gag slightly and I couldn't get over the weirdness of how the vag felt on the inside. Seriously it was like some kind of jelly cave.

Anyways so Britney is over and we are fooling around and I'm getting ready to get my pants off so i can get my BJ and just be a happy dude but that wasn't in the cards tonight. While I was gettin into the motions Britney mentioned about how dry her mouth was. Sure kind of an obvious sign, but I was in full on horny mode and all I knew was that something was going to be happening down in my pants soon.

I kept trying but she remained insistent that nothing was going into her mouth tonight. So there I was with a full on boner in "I need to get off" mode and my only outlet was closed for shop. Could of tried for a handjob but really no girl knows how to jerk off a guy properly. Since puberty I've been doing it like 3+ times a day, she just can't beat that kind of experience. So no mouth, her hands were just not interested and that left me with one option. I was a lot more resistant to the idea of actually having sex then I'd like to admit. I mean really if the younger me knew that I could have gotten laid months ago if I had just took off her pants, he would probably kick me in the balls. But still it just seemed like a huge step and really I was pretty clueless as to what to do. I mean yeah I have seen plenty of the X-rated movies in my day but there's a huge difference between seeing and doing. But really, the second she decided that I wasn't going to be getting head that night my fate was sealed, I couldn't in good conscious just say 'well I guess we aren't doing anything tonight" plus really she had been gettin by on just fooling around blowing me for months. I owed her, honestly don't know how I got away with some of the shit I got away with, with that girl.

So got the condom out, put it on and was all set to do it. Right off the bat though ran into the issue. I mean, I know my female anatomy but I still had quite the issue of gettin it in. Eventually she just had to do it for me. The sensation was....good. Can definitely see why I've been craving this for so long despite my weird vaginal phobias. But still there were some kinks. For one thing for every like 5 thrusts, i would get over eager and pull back to far and it would pop out, which would start over the whole "where the fuck did it go" search. Really the whole thing quickly just became more frustrating then fun  so I kinda just....pulled out, rolled over and went to bed without either of us finishing.

Yeah, real great thing to do I know but it was just pissing me off and I was sick of it. Though I will say though my 1st time was anything but a success, got to try again with her soon after and at least I was able to finish...like 2 minutes later. It went like that for a few more times until it all just sorta clicked and was able to last long enough to watch an episode of Nip/Tuck or two while we were going at it, and both of us were able to get off, her a lot more times than me.

But yeah, that's how I lost my virginity which somehow ended up on valentines day. Though technically we started going at it around like 11:50 something at night on the 13th....but February 13th is my mom's birthday so i'll much rather say I lost my virginity on valentines day than on my mom's birthday.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Sage Wisdom

Once you've seen what a girl looks like with your dick in her mouth...there's no going back to being just friends.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

How I learned to never mock a drunk mans T-Shirt

So I had just started school in South Dakota. The first few weeks there I was the very definition of a shut in. I didn't know anyone in the state and only took a few classes that semester so my exposure to people there was limited. My assigned roommate decided to drop out before I shown up so even the one person I would have been forced to interact with was gone so I mostly kept to myself. Eventually the dorm's forced a roommate upon me because I had a corner room which was the biggest room on the floor and they felt that it wasn't fair to the people cramped together that I should have a big ass room to myself. So they assigned me some dude from the baseball team who was from Canada. He was friendly enough though I was very perplexed at the site of a Canadian wigger. I thought that was just an American phenomenon but nope, even white boys from the great white north like to pretend they are black. He was from Winnipeg though so maybe that city was "hood" enough to justify his behavior....but I really doubt the city's up in Canada are anything like our city's. 

Walking cliche beside the kid was pretty cool and that combined with the fact he was on the baseball team meant he provided me with a social opening for me to finally integrate myself into the Sodak social scene. So after he moved in that weekend there was a keggar he invited me to tag along with. Sodak partys are somewhat different then what I'm used to. They basically do all the things me and my friends back in Minnesota make fun of. Guys in cowboy hats group together and talk about their trucks non-stop. The girls are divided up between the tomboyish farm girls and the girls that doll themselves up to the point that I have to think they are in a stage of massive denial of their surroundings. I quickly found that I really have nothing to say to any of these people. So I stuck to the only thing I knew that had universal appeal that everyone no matter what social background your fun loves; booze and weed.  It's probably not healthy for me to use alcohol as a social crutch, but really it's the only thing that keeps me from being stuck in my head all night.They call it liquid courage for a reason right?

So after downing a few beers quickly and starting my own circle with a bunch of guys decked out in flannel in a non-ironic fashion I finally felt comfortable amongst these country folk. The downside to my comfort is that by nature I'm kind of a mouthy asshole. I think the only reason I haven't gotten my ass beat yet in my life is because either by sheer luck or unconsciously I tend to surround myself with friends who are very large and intimidating. But I was out here on my own and I haven't earned anyways respect to have my back. So I was making my rounds around the house, walk to the basement, get bored, move the living room upstairs, get bored, go out to the garage. Found some girl, talked to her for a bit, she mentioned she had a boyfriend. I said something along the lines of "and you think I care?" she mentioned he is a very large man. Me in my cocky state think I'm untouchable and say something like "whatever I could take him." Somehow this conversation didn't get me in any trouble at all. Eventually I found the girl to be boring and found a bunch of the baseball guys standing around so i went over there.

This one obviously drunk dude who has a good 6 inches on me looks at me up and down. At this point I should probably describe what I was wearing. To put it simply I don't have any sense of fashion at all. All of high school I wore just black. I wasn't a goth kid or anything like that (though plenty of people thought I was a satanist, but that probably had more to do with me constantly saying how much I hated everyone and my sociology project that I did about Satanism).But no, I just wore black because black goes with everything and it made getting dressed in 2 minutes a lot easier if I didn't have to think about what I was wearing and just threw on whatever smelled clean. Since then my wardrobe has expanded somewhat and I have some blue jeans and hoody's in different colors. My grandpa got me a denim jacket for christmas that had fleece on the inside. Not normally my thing but I dress for practicality and in a South Dakota winter that jacket seemed very practical. So I was wearing my denim jacket with my blue jeans, which apparently is something a person shouldn't do. So back to the large man looking me down, he finally says "Who the fuck wears a denim jacket with blue jeans?"

This is the downfall of alcohol. Rational me would have seen the man is obviously drunk beyond repair and given his size I should have thought of a neutral response that wouldn't have incurred any hostility towards me. Maybe I should have shown him something shiny to distract him while I retreated back inside the house. These are all good ideas, and much better than what I actually did. I looked the guy up and down matching his actions trying to show him that I could do the same thing to him. I noticed he was wearing a t-shirt for the college. We were pretty much like 2 blocks away from the school. So after looking him up and down I say to him "Well who the fuck wears a school shirt when you live right on campus? Kinda redundant don't ya think?"

Apparently this was the wrong thing to say.

For a person at his level of intoxication he moved surprisingly fast. Before I could even react he charged at me grabbed me by the collar, lifted me up and then rammed me up against the wall. Logic would dictate that I should be terrified by this, but fortunately for myself I am beyond logic at this point and have entered insanity.

"THIS IS MY FUCKING HOUSE AND YOU COME IN HERE DISSIN ON MY SHIRT?!? I CAN WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT, YOU HEAR ME!?"

As he is yelling this at me I am laughing my ass off. Not just a chuckle mind you, or a mischievous chortle. I am howling. The whole situation was ridiculous. I figured one day my mouth was going to get me into trouble. I didn't count on the fact that it was going to happen while in South Dakota, and for the gayest reason ever....because he didn't like my outfit and by extension me making fun of his choice in t-shirts. Maybe if the guy was a little more sober me laughing might have disarmed the situation a little bit. When someone is taking something very seriously and the other person treats it like a joke, more often then not the serious person will lose interest, it's like trying to play tag with a person who doesn't know your playing and is just standing still.

But despite my valiant effort of laughing, this man was not detererd. He persisted on yelling the same things over again about how it was his house and that his choice in fashion was perfectly adequate. I guess he decided that these words weren't doing enough to me and he dropped me and I see his right arm pull back. I don't know how other people react to imminent danger but whenever I'm in a situation that potentially is about to go badly (like losing control of a car on ice) I tend to get all out of body and observe the situation. So I see his arm go back and I just take the moment to just watch the whole situation unfold and review it.

"yup...I'm about to get hit in the face because I wore this jacket"

Fortunately in real life this whole situation happened a lot faster then it takes to describe it and right about here is when someone in the garage full of people came to my rescue and pulled the guy off of me. They pull him back inside and I get the typical "are you ok?" questions and concerned looks. I'm still laughing and have a huge smile on my face. I ask where's the beer's at, the other guy who lives there tells me I can have all the beer I want as a way to make amends. Apparently that dude has a history of going ape while drunk. He tells me this one time he he was sitting on the couch eating chips and that same drunk guy walked in and saw him and said

"Are you eating chips?!"
"uhhh....yeah?"
"FUCK YOU!"
He then proceeded to jump on him and try and fight according to the story. I laughed. Rest of the night was uneventful. Next day while I was eating breakfast in the student center the drunk guy found me and apologized. I said it was fine. Really I was ok with it, I have flown into uncontrollable rage whilst wasted before, it's not anything personal. He didn't really seem to want me to accept the apology so easily but eventually he buggered off. Maybe I should have made him give me money or something since he seemed so concerned with making it up to me. But life went on, though I didn't go to any more party's at that house.

And since then I have NEVER worn my denim jacket with blue jeans at the same time.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Cody Vegas

Firstly, 200 followers! Thanks to all of you who have been reading so far.

All right then now story time. So this takes place a few months after graduating from High School. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a girl with whom at the time I was convinced I was in love with. Looking back on it now, I realize I was more in love with the idea of being in love with someone than actual infatuation with her. But at the time I was completely ruined and had resolved to man whore myself to any girl that'll have me. So I started flirting with this one girl Britney over myspace (oh those were the days) and her friend Sasha that she introduced me to. Britney was a cute girl but had major self-esteem issues and a bit dramtic. Sasha was a bit of an oddity to me, she was cute sure but really she seemed to get more male attention than what seemed warranted. Anyways I had started out focusing on Britney but Sasha was a lot more forward and confident so I set my sites on her. One night I was talkin with Sasha and she was going on about how she and her boyfriend just broke up a couple of days ago and then she says something to me along the lines of "The best way to get over a guy is to get on top of one.". Since I was more or less in the same state of mind as her this was great news for me and she later invited me to party with her and Britney at this older dudes house.

Britney and Sasha pick me up from my house along with some dude named Cody. Not long into the car ride Sasha pull me in for a kiss, it wasn't anything explicit, just a step over a peck really but still it was rather random and a good sign for how the rest of the night was going to go. So we go to this Cody's guys house to drink and...well really that's it. Britney and Sasha always referred to his place as Cody Vegas because of that stupid vegas ad campaign "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas" and I guess crazy shit goes down here. I remember this was the first time I had UV blue. They had a huge bottle of it and I ended up taking straight pulls from that most of the night. Eventually these 2 other girls I didn't know showed up, they seem to be more of Cody's age so left me kinda intimidated but I was quickly becoming more and more intoxicated so such thoughts were gone as soon as they came. We ended up breaking out the sex dice, though the name is rather misleading, foreplay dice would be a more appropriate title. But really considering it was just 2 guys with 4 chicks it all worked out pretty well. Lots of kissing and licking went on. By this point in the night everyone was pretty trashed. Memory is slightly blurry at this part of the story but I think around here is when the other girls left and we all went outside and hit the bong.

At this point I'm beyond fucked up and everyone else is at a decent level of inebriation as well. Somewhere at this time I have no idea where cody went. I think he just went to his bed and passed out. But anyways right around here is when me and Sasha decided that we were just going to start going at it hardcore, all the while her friend Britney is sitting on the otherside of the couch just watching TV and trying to be polite and not stare...or squirt us with a spray bottle. I'm pretty sure it was because we were both fucked up, but while Sasha and I were going at it, it was a real mess. She kept hitting me with her teeth, our mouths weren't in rhythem at all so it was just weird, but at the same time we were both beyond horny so even though we knew it was a disaster, we just kept going at it, at least for a little while. At one point Sasha started saying something along the lines of "ok...this feels good...but we shouldn't..." and I suppose I should have stopped there, but I was drunk and was in the motion of things, plus she said it felt good so I didn't really think anything of it, can't really be that much of a protest if she's moaning in between the words. Maybe she got weirded out about making out with a guy and dry humping in front of her best friend. At one point she got up and grabbed my hand and we started walking....somewhere but we just sorta ended up collapsing on the floor and going at it on the rug. That went on for a bit until I think she finally got a moment of clarity, that maybe making out/dry humping a guy you only kinda know right in front of your best friend isn't really a good idea. So she just kinda got up and said that was it and sat on the couch. Sure I was disappointed but I was barely coherent really so I didn't feel like arguing.

Though it was all for the best though since really a few minutes later Sasha had to throw up. I tried to be a gentleman and hold her hair and all that shit but eventually I just got bored and realized that most of the hair I was holding had slid out, plus I was kneeling on my knee and that was hurting so I just eventually said fuck this and left. Left the bathroom to find Britney had turned the couch into a pullout bed. I told her that maybe she should check on her friend. She left and I ended up channel flipping for what feels like forever. I think the only thing on TV was Inuyasha....and I hate that show. Britney eventually came out of the bathroom and laid down on the pull out with me. We got to talkin, I guess she was going through some family stuff, I can't recall any of it though. Over the years I have perfected a series of head nods and grunts to make while women are talking to give the impression that one is listening when really you have no clue what they are talking about. So really this girl I'm pretty sure was pouring out her heart to me with all of her family drama, and I was just nodding my head and playing with her hair (I was still pretty stoned). She might have caught on, because the discussion went towards hair for a little bit and then she said "You know, if you wanna fool around, we can do that." I would say this came out of no where but really there was a lot of sexual tension at that point. Really  I was planning on hooking up with her until Sasha just showed up as the easier route, but it looked like on that night I was going to be able to have my cake and eat it to.

So I was on top of Britney and we were going at it even harder than I was with Sasha earlier. For some reason Britney wouldn't let me take her shirt off but she did let me pop her tits out of her top so I guess everyone won in that situation. At some point during this my dick had popped through the slit in my boxer shorts and was being rubbed against the jeans. In my head I knew this was a bad thing but I was too drunk and stoned to really register the possible ramifications of that and just continued to dry hump. Eventually Britney Rolled me over and undid my belt saying "It's time to meet Axle." Axle of course, is what I named my penis. That right there is one of my favorite things a female has ever said to me. So she gets my junk out and starts jerkin me off a bit. That goes on for like half a minute before I subtly hint at her that I would prefer a different method of stimulation (I kinda pushed her down) and before you know it I'm gettin a bj.

Everything is going splendid until Sasha decides this is a perfect opportunity to leave the bathroom. Britney quickly rolls off of me and i try and tuck everything in and get my pants on. Thankfully Sasha is more of a zombie than anything else at this point. So while me and Britney are pretending to be asleep or whatever Sasha just kinda plops down on the pull-out bed right in between us. So we all just kinda lay there until Sasha starts snoring. Me and Britney then go off and kinda wander off behind the pool table and make-out a bit and well really I wasn't sure what I was doing. We then decided to to the bathroom for more privacy and from there we made out somemore, I took off my pants and got head while sitting on the toilet. It was a decent blow job all things considered. I kinda felt sorry for Britney since really I tend to last a long time, so while she started out enthusiastic, it was becoming obvious that she just wanted it to finish. I imagine the whole thing is very taxing on the neck. But eventually I did finish and much to my surprise she was a swallower, which I haven't encountered yet in my sex life. Not sure why I found that site satisfying watching her do that but it was. Me being a really classy guy, second I was done I just put on my pants, walked out the bathrrom and fell asleep on the couch. Next day I wake up, got this big scab on my dick as a result from the dry humping and my dick rubbing against my jeans.

Still worth it though, gotta hook up with 2 best friends in the same night and really besides my battle wound, there wasn't any drama from me being a man whore that night so that was nice. I guess what happens in Cody Vegas does stay in Cody Vegas.....except when I write about it on the internet.......

Monday, February 7, 2011

Sage Wisdom

If a girl has a quote from Marilyn Monroe on her facebook...odds are she's easy. 

Late Night Rambles: Prostitution, Strippers & Porn

I find that inspiration to write tends to strike me right around midnight or in the wee hours of the morning. Seeing as how I started this blog to get myself writing again and to use this as an outlet for whatever viewpoints I have, seems like a waste if I didn't put these thoughts on here while they are still fresh. So technically this is the 2nd (the first one being my rant about the use of love in TV and movies) out of hopefully many in a series me rambling about whatever.

Anyways one thing that always struck me as odd is how prostitution, stripping and pornography has always been construed as a objectification of women and a product of chauvinism and the like. Frankly I've always viewed it as the opposite. In all of the above professions it's the women who actually hold the power in there domain.

With porn I will admit that some of it can be rather fucked up, but really in the internet age if you really want to find something that's fucked up it's out there, on both ends of the spectrum. But one thing that I've noticed in a lot of porns is that really if they are attempting to have any kind of "story" in it, it's the woman who is instigating the sex to the point of bordering on sexual harassment, but well it's a porn and everyone leaves happy. I haven't really done any research on this but the top internet porn providers are probably Brazzers, bangbros and naughty america. All of their porns follow a sort of theme, as in they play to a niche for the viewer like milfs/sex at work/sex at school etc. Way most of these usually go is that the female star usually is in trouble or see's a man that she wants. If she's in trouble she'll use her body to get out of it. If she see's a guy she wants then she'll keep making advances despite the guy saying no until they both are going at it. I know it's just porn but really the underlying theme here is that these woman are using their feminine wiles to either get what they want or to escape any sort of consequences. These women are the ones in power and we (males) are totally powerless. Even in some of the rough sex porn while the woman is receive the brunt of it, it's done under her allowance, she controls everything.

Strippers are slightly different but still follow the same lines. I've talked to some girls about this and what I gathered from their feelings on the topic is that the thought of guys sitting around and just staring at a girl who's dancing for them naked is demeaning. Granted when you paint it in that light it looks kinda bad but let's take step back and look at the whole picture shall we? Who is really the one that is really being demeaned here? the person dancing and showing off their money? Or the patrons, who are need to see a woman's body so bad that they are actually paying for it? Not that I'm knocking guys who go to strip joins, I've been to a gentleman's club once or twice in my day and I rather enjoyed myself there but you gotta look at it for what it is. The women there have what we desire and they are presenting it for us, but at best we only get a tease of a lap dance while there and that's after having to pay even more for it plus tip.

As for prostitution well let me just start this off saying I have no idea why it's illegal in any free country. But here in the states, everyone seem to has it in their head that sex is a bad thing and I have never been able to wrap my head around that. If you can pay a massage therapist to run their hands all over you in order for you to be RELAXED and to feel good or in other words, for PLEASURE, then why the hell can't I pay a girl to ride me? Because I honestly feel the most relaxed and pleasure post-orgasm. There is the question of safety for the working girls (or boys, they are out there) either be it personal or health wise (diseases and the like). But if it was federally regulated with mandatory health check ups, which are required for other such professions, then I don't see why we can't do that for this job as well. There is the question of is it moral to have such things legal, well firstly I don't think any laws should be made off of morals. Laws are their for our safety and for the good of society. Having sex available for purchase won't make the buildings burn and anarchy reign. Some would say it's sexist to try and buy a woman for sex, but really take the sex out of the equation we all are whores on some level. We sell our time, our minds, our patience, our bodies in other ways to our jobs so we can get by and make money. Also along with the stripping thing, is it really sexist when once again it's the woman in control of the whole transaction? The lady of the night sets all the rules, and the buyer is a person who is in need of the product of sex to the point that they have to buy it.

Maybe society still looks down on these things because if my conclusions are actually right then it just shows that woman are in control of more things than we'd like, and in a male dominated society, it's scaring the old white men shitless. More I think about it the more I think we all got it wrong and that humans are more Matriarchal as a species rather than Patriarchal.

I dunno, it's almost 3 am here, I have to get up for school in a about 3 hours...I should sleep.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Super Bowl

Not really sure who to root for or to even care. I live in Minnesota so it really goes against everything I hold dear to root for the packers. Also a kid I went to high school with is a tight end for the Steelers so they have that going for them. But really the Steelers are kind of a douchey team so not a huge fan of them.

But really none of this really matters. I mean really it's just football. I mean I appreciate sporting events as much as the next red blooded male, but I have a hard time getting as psyched up as everyone else does for this. I mean it's just a game after all. Whoever wins has no effect on my life whatsoever. But I guess it's kinda fun to just get caught up in the excitement along with everyone. It's pretty much one of the best excuses to get trashed on a sunday night.

Anyways stay posted, will have another ridiculous sex story for ya'll in the next day or so.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Love in Television and Movies

This has been a kind of pet peeve of mine while watching movies and TV. In almost every show there is the point where the guy chases down the girl and confesses his unyielding love and devotion for her. In this conversation the guy will ALWAYS tell her just how beautiful she is. Always a good thing to say to a girl sure but the thing I can't wrap my mind around is that well I don't think beauty is really a good reason to love a person. Sure physical attraction is a must in any relationship, after all the desire to see the other person naked is really the only difference between a good friendship and a actual relationship.

A persons physical appeal is just a result of good luck in a combination of genes when being born. Really the only physical part a person has any control over is their weight, and/or the use of make up and even that is superficial. So all of these people attribute the main reason they are in love because they just really dig the way a person looks, really the shallowest reason ever to just like someone. Whenever I have touted the reasons of my affection onto someone I always made it a point to to tell them things about them that made them desirable to me, leaving the physical parts somewhere in the middle or an afterthought, trying to show that there was more to her appeal to me than just their aesthetic appeal for me. But even then I had a friend of mine tell me how when she had a guy compliment her, she was confused that he would just say how she liked how smart she was. I had to explain at least from my point of view that he was kinda doing what I like to do, pointing out personality aspects as a reason for attraction instead of just saying that he likes her because she's hot. But she still would rather be called pretty from what I gathered.

I dunno, this is just kind of a ramble more than anything else. I just find it weird that in the way our culture places such value in physical beauty when really that is one of the least important part of a relationship since just looking at something beautiful can only make you so happy.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Link Dump

As an avid internet surfer I tend to stumble across funny things off the internet. Sometimes these things are worth sharing. Before I would just spam peoples feeds on facebook with this, but eventually I realized I was probably just annoying everyone and I'm probably blocked by a bunch of people on facebook by now. So I've decided to post my internet findings on here. Plus this way I am still contributing something in between story's.

Someone put together all the Mcbain clips from the Simpsons and it actually follows a plot.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1946223

the URL says it all
http://www.hotchicksinstarwarsshirts.com/

7 myths that shouldn't be true
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2011/02/7_myths_mythbusters_proved_that_we_still_cant_beli.php

A supercut of midgets being hurt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BC95_GtyGr4

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

100 Followers!

Woo landmark! Will try and be more constant with my updates. The posts coming up may be a bit shorter and/or be completely different since really I only have so many stories where things went wrong sexually or the like. But thanks for following and the feedback guys.

How I Did Not Lose My Virginity

Hey ya'll, sorry for the gaps in between posts. Full-Time student and just general apathy can be a bit of a hindrance. Anyways STORY TIME!

This bit takes place before both "Coming of Age Story's". That's right, this blog is getting all Tarantino on you. I think this was around October of 2006. It was homecoming and my senior year in High School. But these facts didn't really matter since my school spirit was about as existent as my sex life at the time. Seeing as how at this point in my life I've have yet to even make out with a girl...yeah I didn't give a shit about my high school's homecoming and the football game at all. I knew some friends of mine were planning on going but I pretty much had planned to stay home and play Halo 2 (oh those were the days...) or something. But a friend of mine was going to his old schools homecoming game to hang out with his old crew and asked if I wanted to come along. Now this friend of mine was kind of a anomaly because well he was one of the few minority's we had in our town. My High School town was ALL white with a few asians thrown in on occasion and we had a black kid for a few weeks before the family moved again. Anyways my friend was a half white/half mexican who was raised by his all black stepfather. He grew up in one of the more ghettoish suburbs (as in it was like 10 minutes from the city) so he always acted more "hood" then any of us. Now why am I bringing these things up? Glad you asked imaginary person. You see whenever my friend visited his old friends he would tell us how they would all get together and call some girls and would either run train on her or each one would have their own girl to get head from or whatever they fancied. Now maybe it was because at that time I hadn't developed any kind of game at all, but we didn't do things like that in our safe little white bred town. But this was the norm there (may also have something to do with him and his friends were all tall muscular football players) and I got invited to hang with people and pretty much guaranteed to get laid. As a virgin who hadn't even kissed a girl at the time this sounded VERY appealing. So I went with my friend to his old school's homecoming game.

It's a very curious thing going from a white dominated area to a more urban setting. I was very much out of my element but I enjoyed myself at the football game none the less. My friends old best bud Dennis was a wide receiver and was actually good at it so it was cool watching him burn the defense. Eventually the football game ended, and then we waited around for what seemed like forever and eventually Dennis was ready to leave. Memory gets a little hazy as to what happens right after this point. I think we drove to the city and went to some random cook-off thing. I just remember it was weird, though good food though. Soul food is good food. Then we left the city and went to some random dude's house who I swear looked just like 50 cent. I'm not being racist either, he had the white do-rag and everything. Anyways memory gets hazy again.....I think we watched soccer....I may be getting my time-lines mixed up but meh, fuck it, it's not like ya'll will know the discrepancies.

Anyways so it was me, my friend and these 2 other dudes chilling. They were calling girls to "smash on" and it was proving more difficult then thought. Eventually they found a girl down to fuck in the middle of nowhere. So we all piled into the car and drove off to the boonies and got the girl. She was....homely. Not an uggo but she was one of those girls that puts out just so she can get the attention she so clearly desires. Kinda sad, it was weird seeing an actual slut. We drive around and the 2 guys in the back are already getting all grabby with the girl trying to get a blowjob or something. I'm already kinda regretting my decision to come out here. Not sure what I was expecting but now finding myself in the reality of the situation left me feeling very uncomfortable. We drive to some closed supermarket and park behind it. Since my friend was driving us around he got the first turn with her. He hops into the backseat and me and the 2 other guys are waiting outside the car for our turns, the "pussy waiting room" if you will. The two guys are trying to figure out how to talk the girl into letting them double team her. Not sure why they are so adamant about going at the same time, I always found the idea of double teaming a chick to be kinda gay for my tastes but hey whatever floats your boat.

The backseat door all of a sudden opens and my friend hops out with pants around ankles "AWWW SHIT, I got it all over my hand." I guess in the midst of pulling out he nutted all over his hand. We all laughed. The two other guys anyways go hop in the back with the girl, I guess they succeeded in convincing her for the double team. Me and my friend sat outside talking, he mentioned how me doing this maybe wasn't such a good idea. At this point I'd be the 4th person that would be inside of her this night. Whole thing seemed kinda grimy and I was anything but excited or aroused. But I really wanted to get laid or at least make out and grab some tit. But she did have just 3 other guys in her and who knows what was just her in her mouth. I'm pretty open minded but even I draw the line at some point. The two other guys finish and I decide that I'm not going to do anything. Yay morals (or something of that sort)!

We drive off and go to some party, once again I'm the only white person there, the girl we were with asked if she could crash the night at the dudes house we were at, he said sure if he can hit that. I was utterly astounded by this level of ho'ness that this girl had achieved. I played some madden and fell asleep on the couch somewhere. Woke up and we went back home the next day, turns out our football team lost (no surprise) and some of my chick friends were "really disappointed" in me. Though they gave me some slack when they found out I didn't do anything.

But after that night I vowed to never be in the "pussy waiting room" ever again.

Friday, January 28, 2011

High and Dry

So a couple of years ago I decided I was going to go visit my friend at her school over Halloween. This whole thing originated from a bet she and I had on who could get laid first that semester (loser would have to take the trip and visit them on the next break from school). Frankly I thought I was at a disadvantage from the start since I had just started at a new school over in South Dakota and also because I'm a dude. Really the way I see it pretty much a girl can just walk up to a guy and ask for sex and she will have a much higher success rate than anyone of the male species. But it was pretty close and she actually beat me by one day. Didn't really mind though since South Dakota is fucking boring and really didn't have a clue what I would do to keep her entertained if she were to visit so a few weeks later I was hopping on a bus to Duluth.

Since high school got out my friend went from relatively prudish catholic girl to "omg I love weed and sex" girl. Not to say she's ho'ish by any means, but it was quite the transformation seeing as how I used to get shit for coming to movie night totally blazed out of my mind. My stay there was pretty fun, got to party with people that didn't like Nickleback for once (seriously South Dakota has no taste at all) and I got to kinda hook up with her roommate (just a handjob, but she was a virgin and I didn't want to deal with the drama of being her first time and then leaving to another state), but there was this one thing that happened while I was there that was pretty funny so I'm going to share that with ya'll.

My friend and I were bowl cruising around Duluth and listening to some pretty sweet tunes. My friend decided she needed new large sun glasses to wear since that was essential to her being in public while stoned. So we park on the street, put money in a parking meter and go into ragstock. I was just kinda along for the ride and just watching things happen while we were there. Finally found out where she got all the ridiculous handbags she has that have pictures of retarded unicorns and weird godzilla type things. Anyways she buys like 3 pairs of sunglasses as I stand there trying not to be obviously baked (we were smoking alaskan thunderfcuk, good fuckin bud man). We exit the store eventually get into the car and was ready to continue on driving aimlessly looking and cool shit......but there was a problem.

When my friend tried to the start the car the key wouldn't move at all in the ignition. She sat there struggling with it for a moment or two before she finally clued me in that there may be an issue. I tried to turn it just to see if maybe she was just being stoned and failing, but sure enough that key wouldn't budge at all. Now some of you reading this may already know what the issue was but to give you some background info, we were both suburban children with soft hands. As in we weren't the manual labor type and also we don't know shit about cars. The key goes here, gas is on the right, brakes on the left. That's about it. So when the first part of the whole process of how to make a car start doesn't work....well we were both collectively stumped on what the fuck was going on.

I decided to take out the owners manual and see if I could figure out what was going on while my friend fiddled around and did stuff. While all of this is going on in the back of my head I was becoming increasingly paranoid about the time on the parking meter running out. Hindsight says that there was probably plenty of time on it still, but I couldn't get the image out of my head of it running out and then having some meter maid come by and tell us to move. Then we would have to tell them that the car isn't starting, then they will eventually noticed how stoned we are and all kind of bad things was going to happen. The panic was becoming greater and greater and I wasn't getting shit out of the owners manual. There were WAY too many words in WAY too small of print. Plus I spent like a minute trying to make sense of the first page before I realized I was on the spanish section. Deciding that a new plan needed to be implemented I decided to call one of my friends in South Dakota who has car knowledge of a sort. The call went a little like this
"Hello?"-my friend
"Heyyyyy man"-me
"What's up?"
"Ok dude, so you know how I'm in Duluth right? Well we parked on the street to go into a store, and when we came back in the key wouldn't move in the ignition and we have been going at this for like 10 minutes now and the parking meter is going to run out and I don't know what to do so do you know what the fuck is wrong?!"
".......hahahahahahaha, dude how high are you?"
"Pretty fucking high man, but seriously this is freaking me out."
"Oh my god you fail at life so hard right now dude."
"Shut up."
"Dude you just turn the wheel while turning the ignition at the same time."
"..........seriously?"
"hahaha, yeah man"
*I tell my friend what he said*
"ok we're trying it."
*my friend turns the wheel while starting the ignition and it works*
"HOLY SHIT MAN IT WORKED!!!!"
"Oh wow man"
"Seriously how did you know to do that?"
"Basic knowledge? I dunno it's just something you know dude."
"Well seriously you are a god amongst men. Thanks man"

We then drove off, got even higher and found some bikes in a parking lot and rode them around in circles before getting bored and left.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

My Life is a Sex Comedy Film

One of my favorite move genres is the teen sex comedy. As you might have guessed from the few previous entries on here, I am a fan of lewd behavior and watching such antics unfold on the big screen is amusing to me. Plus pointless nudity is always a plus in my book. So imagine my delight when I found myself more or less reenacting the plot of the teen sex comedy "Sex Drive" one night.

It was summer time and I have just returned home from college. I called up some of my old high school friends and we all got together to hang out and really do nothing but just kinda drive around, basically doing what we did back in high school. It was me, my friends Sabrina, Amanda and Bob. We were just riding along when Sabrina got a call from one her friends from where she goes to school. Those two were talking for a bit and maybe it was because prior to being picked up I had downed 2 mountain dews and was more or less hyper, but I felt the need to take Sabrina's phone and participate in that phone conversation. Can't quite recall what we talked about, I believe Harry Potter was mentioned. Anyways I handed the phone back to Sabrina and they talked some more and what I could gather from the conversation was that Sabrina's friend on the phone was trying to convince her to go back up to where she lived (which was 3 hour drive away) to hang out. That went on until Sabrina turned to me and said "Emily (the girl on the phone) will have sex with we go up and visit her."

Well that was an interesting proposition. I was in the middle of a dry spell since my previous fuck buddy had cut me off due to me behaving like a douchebag (I admit it and don't blame her) and the prospect of a sure thing with minimal work involved seemed pretty enticing. All I had to do was cough up money for gas and sit through a 3 hour drive. Bob and Amanda didn't really have anything else to do so they were down for the adventure so after stopping for road trip cigarettes, soda and gas we were on our way.

There's a reason when movies involve a road trip, it's usually done in some sort of montage with upbeat music playing over it. They aren't terribly interesting. Only real part of that whole journey up there was me high-fiving Bob a few times because I was going to get laid and at one point I put Prince on the ipod. Prince is awesome.

So 3 hours later we show up at Sabrina's boyfriends house which is where everyone is at. It's always tricky when you are meeting the friends of your friend that you have no prior contact with. They all have their own jokes and history and how they relate to each other. It was here I realized the ulterior motive for eveyrone else to come along on this trip was to get some bud. So we all get in our circle, smoke up and watch skits from SNL (SLOTHS!!!).  Now there really is no way to describe this feeling, you just have to experience it yourself  to know what I'm talking about. But well all the people I rode with knew why we were here, and all of the other people in the room also knew. So it was a whole new level of awkward going on with these people bringing up the imminent sex that was to be coming up eventually. Though since I'm airing my sex life in a blog, it's not like I'm an overtly shy person. But I did find the whole situation to be kinda uncomfortable. Maybe it just felt even moreso awkward then it should have since i was high as balls. I honestly don't know why I continue to smoke up with large groups or in social settings. While others seem to become calm while high, I usually become overly analytical and twitchy. I'm the guy that's sitting there and hasn't said a word in 2 hours because I've been figuring out the meaning behind everyones posture (as a result I will say that I think I'm pretty good at reading body language now).

Eventually everyone decided they needed more weed so they went off to buy some and it all almost too conveniantly worked out that there would be not enough room for 2 people to travel to said dealers house. So Me and Emily elected to stay behind. She was a cute red head, which worked out for me since I love red heads. I had stumbled upon her facebook in the past so I had an idea of what I was working with and was delighted to see that all the pictures weren't misleading as most girls are prone to do (the myspace angle should be illegal, that's all I'm going to say about that). We got to talking about.....stuff. Not really sure what was going on as to myself being super stoned but I think I mentioned J.R.R Tolkein at one point. She must of sense my nervousness (or me just being stoned and twitchy) and mentioned that we didn't have to do anything at all. Maybe she thought it was weird that I was trying to talk to her as opposed to just pouncing on her right away. Truth be told maybe I should have done that, but this was my first experience with hooking up with someone totally new, and having already agreed that sex was going to happen. I wasn't exactly sure what the protocol was. I believe I actually told her that and we just sorta bullshitted around. At one point we got up for water since I had dry mouth. We then went back down to the basement and then she turned around and gave me a look that said "let's just cut the bullshit" and well cut the bull shit we did.

We went to the futon and proceeded to eat each others faces and grope each other. Things were going fine for the most part but I noticed something didn't feel right in my head. I just ignored it and moved on. I'm not sure how other people do it, but I like to move along one piece of clothing at a time. You gotta build up the suspense and desire. But bit by bit each of us were running out of clothing until both of us were down to just our skivvies. It was when we reached this point and still fooling around I realized what was wrong. I wasn't hard at all. Maybe if I hadn't realized this things would have gone totally fine, but unfortunately once I realized this, it was all that I was thinking about. Unfortunately this girl wasn't as fond of foreplay as I was and wanted the sex that she promised. So she reaches down my boxer shorts and feels my currently unimpressive dick. She then uttered one of the worst things you can say to a guy
"Why aren't you hard yet?"

Though in her defense it was a perfectly valid question and one that I didn't have the answer to. But if I wasn't already panicking in my head over this, I was now. I figured it was just going to happen eventually so I was just putting it off and hoping for the erection to just happen magically. When that didn't work i went for something that I thought for sure was going to work. Oral. This was one of the most bizarre experiences of my life because while it still felt amazing....it had no effect on me at all. It just refused to grow. And god bless her she tried for a while and didn't seem fussy about it either. Eventually though I just realized that it was hopeless for me, but if I wasn't going to get off that didn't mean she couldn't, I am a gentleman after all. The cunnilingus went pretty well I thought, it was my first time actually being able to pin point a girls G-spot as opposed to just stumbling upon it on accident. It was also my first time with a girl that didn't shave down there. I was still pulling out hairs from my teeth hours after I left.

But anyways eventually our friends came back from weed shopping. They were all giggly and kept giving me knowing looks, having no idea what actually went down. This gave me 2 options, to either go along with it and let them think I got laid, or to just be up front with them. I just secret option number 3, which is one of my favorite things in the world, selective truth telling. When one of them said something like "Oh you two have fun while we were gone?" I would just say something ambiguous that neither implied or denied anything. I think I would make a good politician at some point.

Eventually we left, hugged emily goodbye and said something stupid like "let's do this again sometime". Yeah I'm smooth like that. Emily already told Sabrina what happened so she asked if I was all right, I said I was fine though really I was anything but that. Having time to review that whole experience, and with further experimentation I can say now for sure that it was the weed that fucked with my dick. But you don't think clearly when you are a 19 year old who just had his dick just quit out on him when he was trying to hook up with a random girl for the sole reason of sex. It makes you question things. But there I was, in the back seat of Bob's car, smoking another bowl after riding up 3 hours up north to get laid, completely failed at that, now with 20 bucks less in my bank account and my boxer shorts in my pants pocket since I had to rush and get dressed when everyone came back.

If life imitates art, than my life had become a teen sex movie. Still unsure how I feel about that. But I got a good story out of this, so I think it was worth it.

Friday, January 21, 2011

The Hierarchy of Alcohol

So I'm at a party in some rental house with a bunch of people for new years. Walking around you will see that everyone has some sort of drink in hand. Most guys have their beers, girls have wine or are taking way too many shots of hard alcohol because it will give them attention. I walk upstairs start talking to a girl and she asks me what I was drinking. I pull out my bottle of UV blue mixed with mountain dew.

"What the fuck is with the high school drink?" she says.

I really wish I kept track of how many times I got comments similar to that on that night. I found the whole thing very perplexing. I mean I have seen TV characters give people shit for their taste in alcohol, but I thought it was just one of those occurrences that happen with only fictional characters. I was mistaken.

From what I understand if you a dick and a pair of balls, there are certain kinds of alcohol you are allowed to enjoy. As of course, a real man enjoys all kinds of beer (bonus points if it's foreign), any kind of whiskey, rum, vodka, scotch and I believe wine is acceptable if you are the kind of guy who walks around in a turtleneck. If it tastes like some sort of fruit then you are a flaming homosexual for drinking it. Hence that whole "bro icing bro's" trend from a few months back where they "embarrassed" their bro's by making them drink some booze that was meant for females.

This is the thing I don't understand about this mentality. I don't know ANYONE who is a seasoned alcohol drinker and does it just for the taste of it. None of these people sit around with the fireplace going, in their study with a fire roaring with a glass of scotch and they absorb the aroma of it. At my age, the only reason we drink is because A) We can now legally and B) so we can get fucking drunk.

Now I hear people say that when drinking that shouldn't be your main goal, but these people also sound like those supposed "sex experts" where they say the goal of sex shouldn't be to orgasm. I'm sure their logic makes sense to some people, but it just sounds bizarre and stupid to me. But I digress, everyone I know who drinks, does so because it makes them feel good and it's pretty much a license to do things you'll kinda regret but not really since they already wanted to do it but didn't have the balls to do so. My question is, why the fuck should it matter how you get said alcohol into your system?

I drink UV because it's in my price range, it's alcohol that you can drink straight if you are in a pinch and because I like it. I have had those fruity Smirnoff drinks as well where they taste like watermelon and I loved those. They have more alcohol in them compared to the beers that come in containers that size and they taste a hell of a lot better. I avoid whiskey now because the last time I had it, I blacked out a weekend and walked around my friends house naked and did the meat spin in front of them as I'm told. The smell of it makes me feel ill. I just don't understand how the taste of our alcohol somehow got turned into a "who's dick is bigger" contest. We're all here to get drunk, find a girl with low self-esteem and try and do something we'll both regret. Does it really matter how I get from Point A to Point B, if we are all going to end up in the same place anyways?

Monday, January 17, 2011

Coming of Age Story: A Reflection

Looking back on the Coming of Age stories they don't seem to have aged very well. Actually kinda more embarrassed by them than anything else. There is a 3rd one but that one isn't even worth posting since it was written so terribly and I'm too lazy to edit/re-write it at this moment. But regardless I find it kind of nice to have these time capsules of myself back in the day. 17 years old and finally achieving the status of "sexually active". These stories were more or less me shouting from the rooftops of the internet with megaphone "HEY GUYS! SOME GIRL LET ME GET UNDER HER SHIRT!!!! AWESOME!!!". Maybe that's why I don't like these stories so much now since too me I just look at it as blatant bragging more so than actual prose. Also reading my thoughts on my girlfriend at the time kinda makes me feel like I was a terrible person back then, since not only am I bragging about my sexual exploits but also bragging about myself using a girl as an ends to those means. At least I can say I have matured since those days.....mostly 

Coming of Age Story: Part 2

After the last adventure I had I felt like a new man. 17 years of sexual frustration finally released. Though it wasn’t exactly how I imagined my first make out session or blowjob would be like I still was ecstatic about it and told just about anyone who was willing to listen to my risqué tale.

2 days after the blowjob incident the (then) girlfriend and I are at my house and seeing as how it was a relationship solely based on my need for a sexual outlet; we didn’t do a lot of talking. The girl was a quirky girl to say the very least. She kept on telling me how much she liked being dominated (which was just perfect for me) but she had no qualms with taking what she wanted as well. So not even a minute of going through my walkway she has me pushed up against the wall and kissing me to the point that I’m fighting for air. Now I don’t mind a girl being on the assertive at all but my male ego could not take being in the “weaker” role of the relationship and I draw the line at suffocation, so I took control of the situation and had her up against the wall. We were like that for a bit, she was doing this amazing thing massaging my crotch with my knee while making out with her. I told all my female friends to do that when they are fooling around with a guy, it’s really awesome. I then make the super suave suggestion of showing her my room since she hasn’t seen it yet…she accepted my offer.


When we get into my room she immediately jumps onto my bed. In a prior phone conversation with she said when she wants something she makes it really obvious. So when she got onto my bed sort of stuck her ass out in the air as if she was presenting it to me while giving me a really provocative look. A blind eunuch would have known what she wanted to do. So I got on the bed and got on top of her and that’s how I first ever started dry humping someone. One thing I found about dry humping was that I found it to be very awkward. While doing that all I could think about was dogs having sex (I guess that’s why when there are no clothes involved it’s called “doggie style”). But then again I find that any sexual act with a person you don’t actually enjoy being around is pretty awkward.


I got tired of humping her from behind so I flipped her over and see if it was any different from this angle. I was wrong. I realized just how out of shape I was since my arms were shaking from struggling to support my weight. Thankfully she thought I was shaking because I was nervous. I decided to let her keep on thinking that.
 
We keep going at it for a bit but then she did something I hoped she never would do. She started pushing my head down.

Now I have to explain a certain personality quirk of mine. I have “Eurotophobia” which is a phobia of female genitalia. To put it bluntly I find a girls vagina to be one of the most disgusting things on the planet. I can’t even look at it but the thought of touching it just made me feel ill. Not entirely sure why it gross’s me out so much. I think it might have something to do with the very first bare vagina I saw was a Penthouse picture and it showed a girl spreading open her cooch. I had to fight the urge to throw up when I saw that. It’s because of this phobia I have refused to watch any hardcore pornography or look at any nude magazine besides Playboy.


So with that in mind imagine my horror as she was pushing my head down. I could have just told her “No.” but at the same time she went down on me on the first date and even after I sorta peed in her car. It would have been a real dick move of me to not pay her back. So I’m gradually moving down, taking my time trying out this thing called “foreplay”. All the while I’m having a panic attack about what I’m going to do. My thought process went a little like this
“HOLY SHIT I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS!!!
“I don’t even know what I’m doing!”
“What if she isn’t shaven? ”
“I REALLY don’t want to do this”
“Does it really smell like tuna? ”
“What if find the wrong hole?”
“I don’t want to do this! ”

Eventually I came to the conclusion that I just couldn’t go down on her no matter what. Unfortunately by the time I reached this conclusion her pants were already off. My brain didn’t want to do this. My body had otherwise to say.

So there I was at the point of no return, I took a quick glance at my destination and then looked away. I still couldn’t look at for more than a second; the first thing that came to mind was the Sarlac Pit Monster from Star Wars. Thankfully she was fully shaven. Much like a guy who is lost on a road trip yet refuses to pull over to ask how to get the destination, I had no idea what I was supposed to do, but my male ego wasn’t ready to admit that. I first tried mimicking what I’ve seen in the porno’s I’ve watched but since I couldn’t watch anything besides soft core porn, the most I knew what to do was the parts leading up to the actual act. I was screwed. After a bit of kissing around the area I confessed to being completely lost. She brought my head back up and told me to give her a clit a really long kiss and demonstrated the kiss on me. Now with a vague idea of what I was supposed to do I went back down south.
I found the clit…and I gave it a long kiss.
And…
It really wasn’t all that bad.
I really didn’t enjoy myself any down there, it made me lose my wood but it wasn’t a bad experience either. It didn’t smell/taste like tuna. In fact I didn’t really taste anything discernable. She made it kind of difficult since she seemed unable to lie still while I was performing on her. At one point she was pretty much humping my face. Not quite sure how long I was down there, maybe I blocked out most of the experience which is why I didn’t think it was that bad, but eventually I got a tap on the head and I came back up. When she looked down at me she started to laugh. She then wiped off a liquid substance off of my mouth/chin area. I thought that was just excess spit from my mouth. I guess she came all over my face. Surprisingly that part didn’t traumatize me at all, in fact it didn’t bother me one bit. The suggestion she made next however did. She told me to put my fingers inside of her.

Another little personality quirk I have is that I can’t stand getting my hands dirty. As a little kid if I fell in the sandbox I would try to get back up without using my hands because I didn’t want to get sand all over my hand. While most kids loved to carve pumpkins and take out the seeds in them, I used to cry when I had to do that, I found the insides of pumpkins disgusting and I did not want to stick my hand inside of it. To me sticking my fingers in a vagina sounds just as appealing as sticking my hand in a pumpkin.

I put up a little struggle but she guided my hands down there and I complied. She did have my dick in her mouth for over 30 minutes…what was I supposed to do/say?
So…my fingers were put inside of her.
And MY GOD the vagina feels so freaking weird.
I don’t know what I was expecting but I don’t think anything in the world could have prepared me for that.
I’ve never felt anything like that in my life.
And all the while fingering her, my thoughts alternated between:
“Holy crap I can’t believe I’m doing this!”
and
“This is REALLY gross.”
The only way I can think of describing a vagina is this.
It feels like a jelly cave.
If there ever was a cave and all the walls were covered in jelly it would be like a vagina.
I don’t think she was paying attention to my face very much because I’m sure I was making looks of pure confusion and disgust. After a bit she wanted me to finger her from behind, at this point I didn’t care anymore. I already have done 2 things I didn’t want to do at all, why should it matter if it was in a different position?
I actually liked it better that way; it sort of opened up the jelly cave a bit so my fingers felt less cramped.

After a bit of that I guess she had her fill and signaled me to stop. We started to dry hump again…well I was dry humping since my pants were still on, she was just regular humping. During this exchange though my member popped out of the protection of my boxer shorts and started rubbing up against the zipper. To this day I do not understand why I didn’t stop and readjust myself, maybe I thought it would ruin the mood or something but I thought it would be a good idea to play through the pain. It was not fun.

After that I guess she thought it was my turn and kept on telling me to “take what I want”. Under normal circumstances I guess any guy would want to hear that. But in that situation, honestly I just wanted her to get the hell out of my house. I preformed cunnilingus for the first time my fingers and felt something entirely new, weird and disgusting at the same time and to top it all off now my dick hurts. I just wanted some alone time.

Though I am not above going out with a girl just to get physical action I guess I’m not above kicking a girl out of my house without having a good reason. We fooled around some more and though I was tempted to get another blowjob. At first I decided against it…then thought “Fuck it” but by this time the girlfriend was paranoid of my mom coming home and refused.

After that the relationship ended less than a week afterwards with no more real adventures to tell about her. But I’ll never forget the Jelly Cave.

The point

So back in the day I used to write pages everyday about well...mostly nothing, but still I was at least writing. During the glory days of highschool blogging was also when I did the majority of all my stories. Fast forward to now, I have been "struggling" with a 3 year long writers block. So in a way of trying to deal with this I've decided to go back to my roots and start blogging again. Hopefully this will get the creative juices flowing so I can get back to the only thing that I have done that has ever brought me some sense of pride and accomplishment. Thankfully I still have most of my old stories saved away somewhere so I'm just going to copy and paste the classics here and then I'll start putting out some new content.

Coming of Age Story: Part 1

There comes a time in every boy’s life when he must become a man. How this happens differs from person to person. When he gets a job he can become a man, when he moves out he becomes a man. But perhaps the most common view (and the most fun) on how a boy becomes a man is when he finally gets physical with a member of the opposite sex. I was more then eager to become a man but finding a partner to be willing with me was a tricky part. I'm not going to try and pull a sob story about how sad it was that I was at the ripe age of 17 and the farthest I have gone with a female was a little peck on the cheek, but it was a very frustrating feeling being that horny and having no outlet but my hand.

So imagine my surprise when I had actually found myself with a girlfriend, though it was almost at the end of my senior year of high school, better late then never. She was a little bit on the quirky side and I my interest in her was minimal. But I wasn't in the position to be very picky and she gave out the impression of being easy so I decided to see where this would take me.
 
 On the first day of us “officially” going out we met up after school and we talked for a little bit and she keeps giving me the impression that she is bat shit crazy, but she does it in a cute way so I was not running for the hills quite yet. We then walk to a somewhat secluded part of the school and that's when I got to make out for the first time in my life. It was very...anti-climactic. I'm not sure what I expected it to be like, maybe a euphoric sensation to rush through my body or to have "Ode To Joy" playing in the background. But once I started kissing I realized it was nothing more then just 2 pairs of lips pressed up against each other. But it was still fun to do so I kept on doing it. We were going at it for a while since I was eager to make up for lost time, but apparently we were busy for so long my ride home left without me...so she offered me a ride home.

 The moment we get into get into her car she latches onto me like a face-hugger from the Alien movies.  The making out turned into groping, hair pulling and crotch massaging, all of that fun stuff. When I was first getting to know her she said she was good at lap dances (did I mention she was easy?), so I asked her to do one so she gets on top and kinda dry humps me in the school parking lot. It really wasn't much of any sort of dance but I didn't mind. I was sitting there with a girl gyrating on top of me for a bit and then we go back to making out and her hand is massaging my male reproductive organ. I got particularly bold and decide to whip my dick out. Looking back on it, it was a pretty ballsy move but it paid off because she started giving me a hand job. Earlier in the day right when class got out, in my rush to go and fool around I forgot a key step in male urination and didn’t shake out the remaining drops of urine. Normally this only means you just have a tiny piss stain in your boxer shorts. But of course since I'm getting my first hand job that means that she's going to jerk out the remainder piddle. She didn't notice it at first but I did and in my bewilderment I didn't think and said out loud
"What the hell is that? No way that's semen I'm no way close to finishing."
Needless to say it kind of ruined the mood.

So I zipped up. Now I'm not sure how I quite managed this, I've asked female friends of mine and they seem pretty unanimous on that if a guy peed in their car the date would be over...but like I said this girl was a little “off” so somehow we started making out again, did that some more...and some more, pulled hair here and there maybe a boob grab there. There must have been something in the air that day but I got really gutsy and whipped it out again. But I didn't feel like having a hand job. So I lead her head down and she was more then willing to go down. As she goes down and I feel her lips around it...I was in complete and utter disbelief..........for about 1 second. She then comes back up almost immediately afterwards and says, "I think you've had enough." Now throughout the entire making out she would do this thing where she would lean back a lot trying to somewhat play hard to get and make me work for it, she thought it was cute but it annoyed the shit out of me. Now here she goes and puts her mouth around my unit for a second and then claims I’ve had enough? A man can only handle so much cock teasing.

So we leave the school parking lot and go to her house, and switch cars because her car was low on gas. We get into her moms car and she goes crazy on me while we are still in the garage. I am somewhat miffed about the BJ tease and decided to not make out with her and say that she's had enough. She drives me home while I suck on a tootsie pop that I found in the car. All the while she was massaging my crotch at stop signs and such. She may have had enough but I decided not to cut her off entirely.

We arrived at my house and I decide to lift the kissing ban and we made out madly. We do that for a while and I became bold ONCE AGAIN and tried for the blowjob. This time around she needed no persuasion. Out of all the physical things I've done that day, the blowjob was the only thing that lived up to the hype. It was really fun; in fact it got so intense I destroyed the tootsie pop prematurely. While she was down there she decided to try teeth............that was possibly the worst idea EVER. I had to yell in pain to get her to stop. The bite mark she left on my dick lasted 3 days. But I played through the pain and I let her continue. It was good but I felt weird just sitting there so I decided to try and cop a feel. I get under her shirt and start feeling her breast, I was feeling around for a nipple but couldn't find it and right about then she stopped sucking and said in a very deep and horrifying voice
"Wrong tit to fuck with!"…And proceeded to do what she kept on doing. At that moment I had a flashback to a prior phone conversation during which she said that she said before she had a tumor removed from her boob. I started to wonder if that meant she didn't have a nipple there, I remember hearing from a friend that his aunt had something like that happen to her and they had to tattoo a nipple on her. I just sort of sat there petrified. Even though I was still getting head this date has been one disaster after the other. But she just kept going at it and I started to get a little bored. I tried thinking about things in order to get myself to finish, I even thought about other women and that didn't work. I then realized that she had been down there for about 30 minutes and I was nowhere near to being done. She got tired and tried the hand job.

The only thing I remember thinking was: "Wow, I'm a lot better at that then she is." So I decided to jack myself off in front of her until my arm got tired and I was still nowhere near being finished. She then decided to get on top of me and dry hump yet again, and that was fun until my garage door came up. My first reflex was to push her off of me.  I looked around madly but couldn't see a car anywhere. I finally noticed my mom's car sitting right outside of the driveway. I got out immediately while she backed out my driveway and headed into the house laughing about the impending conversation. But I forgot my family’s number 1 rule; if it's awkward...avoid it at all costs. My mom is notorious for avoiding any awkward situation so she didn't mention anything about what she saw, but she didn't really look me in the eye that day.

So in one day I went from the guy who hadn't ever made out with a girl, to the guy who on the first date peed in her car, got his dick bit, felt a no nipple tumor boob and possibly got caught by my mom (to this day she hasn't said anything about it). I'm not sure if that made me a man but at least it's a step forward.