Sunday, January 23, 2011

My Life is a Sex Comedy Film

One of my favorite move genres is the teen sex comedy. As you might have guessed from the few previous entries on here, I am a fan of lewd behavior and watching such antics unfold on the big screen is amusing to me. Plus pointless nudity is always a plus in my book. So imagine my delight when I found myself more or less reenacting the plot of the teen sex comedy "Sex Drive" one night.

It was summer time and I have just returned home from college. I called up some of my old high school friends and we all got together to hang out and really do nothing but just kinda drive around, basically doing what we did back in high school. It was me, my friends Sabrina, Amanda and Bob. We were just riding along when Sabrina got a call from one her friends from where she goes to school. Those two were talking for a bit and maybe it was because prior to being picked up I had downed 2 mountain dews and was more or less hyper, but I felt the need to take Sabrina's phone and participate in that phone conversation. Can't quite recall what we talked about, I believe Harry Potter was mentioned. Anyways I handed the phone back to Sabrina and they talked some more and what I could gather from the conversation was that Sabrina's friend on the phone was trying to convince her to go back up to where she lived (which was 3 hour drive away) to hang out. That went on until Sabrina turned to me and said "Emily (the girl on the phone) will have sex with we go up and visit her."

Well that was an interesting proposition. I was in the middle of a dry spell since my previous fuck buddy had cut me off due to me behaving like a douchebag (I admit it and don't blame her) and the prospect of a sure thing with minimal work involved seemed pretty enticing. All I had to do was cough up money for gas and sit through a 3 hour drive. Bob and Amanda didn't really have anything else to do so they were down for the adventure so after stopping for road trip cigarettes, soda and gas we were on our way.

There's a reason when movies involve a road trip, it's usually done in some sort of montage with upbeat music playing over it. They aren't terribly interesting. Only real part of that whole journey up there was me high-fiving Bob a few times because I was going to get laid and at one point I put Prince on the ipod. Prince is awesome.

So 3 hours later we show up at Sabrina's boyfriends house which is where everyone is at. It's always tricky when you are meeting the friends of your friend that you have no prior contact with. They all have their own jokes and history and how they relate to each other. It was here I realized the ulterior motive for eveyrone else to come along on this trip was to get some bud. So we all get in our circle, smoke up and watch skits from SNL (SLOTHS!!!).  Now there really is no way to describe this feeling, you just have to experience it yourself  to know what I'm talking about. But well all the people I rode with knew why we were here, and all of the other people in the room also knew. So it was a whole new level of awkward going on with these people bringing up the imminent sex that was to be coming up eventually. Though since I'm airing my sex life in a blog, it's not like I'm an overtly shy person. But I did find the whole situation to be kinda uncomfortable. Maybe it just felt even moreso awkward then it should have since i was high as balls. I honestly don't know why I continue to smoke up with large groups or in social settings. While others seem to become calm while high, I usually become overly analytical and twitchy. I'm the guy that's sitting there and hasn't said a word in 2 hours because I've been figuring out the meaning behind everyones posture (as a result I will say that I think I'm pretty good at reading body language now).

Eventually everyone decided they needed more weed so they went off to buy some and it all almost too conveniantly worked out that there would be not enough room for 2 people to travel to said dealers house. So Me and Emily elected to stay behind. She was a cute red head, which worked out for me since I love red heads. I had stumbled upon her facebook in the past so I had an idea of what I was working with and was delighted to see that all the pictures weren't misleading as most girls are prone to do (the myspace angle should be illegal, that's all I'm going to say about that). We got to talking about.....stuff. Not really sure what was going on as to myself being super stoned but I think I mentioned J.R.R Tolkein at one point. She must of sense my nervousness (or me just being stoned and twitchy) and mentioned that we didn't have to do anything at all. Maybe she thought it was weird that I was trying to talk to her as opposed to just pouncing on her right away. Truth be told maybe I should have done that, but this was my first experience with hooking up with someone totally new, and having already agreed that sex was going to happen. I wasn't exactly sure what the protocol was. I believe I actually told her that and we just sorta bullshitted around. At one point we got up for water since I had dry mouth. We then went back down to the basement and then she turned around and gave me a look that said "let's just cut the bullshit" and well cut the bull shit we did.

We went to the futon and proceeded to eat each others faces and grope each other. Things were going fine for the most part but I noticed something didn't feel right in my head. I just ignored it and moved on. I'm not sure how other people do it, but I like to move along one piece of clothing at a time. You gotta build up the suspense and desire. But bit by bit each of us were running out of clothing until both of us were down to just our skivvies. It was when we reached this point and still fooling around I realized what was wrong. I wasn't hard at all. Maybe if I hadn't realized this things would have gone totally fine, but unfortunately once I realized this, it was all that I was thinking about. Unfortunately this girl wasn't as fond of foreplay as I was and wanted the sex that she promised. So she reaches down my boxer shorts and feels my currently unimpressive dick. She then uttered one of the worst things you can say to a guy
"Why aren't you hard yet?"

Though in her defense it was a perfectly valid question and one that I didn't have the answer to. But if I wasn't already panicking in my head over this, I was now. I figured it was just going to happen eventually so I was just putting it off and hoping for the erection to just happen magically. When that didn't work i went for something that I thought for sure was going to work. Oral. This was one of the most bizarre experiences of my life because while it still felt had no effect on me at all. It just refused to grow. And god bless her she tried for a while and didn't seem fussy about it either. Eventually though I just realized that it was hopeless for me, but if I wasn't going to get off that didn't mean she couldn't, I am a gentleman after all. The cunnilingus went pretty well I thought, it was my first time actually being able to pin point a girls G-spot as opposed to just stumbling upon it on accident. It was also my first time with a girl that didn't shave down there. I was still pulling out hairs from my teeth hours after I left.

But anyways eventually our friends came back from weed shopping. They were all giggly and kept giving me knowing looks, having no idea what actually went down. This gave me 2 options, to either go along with it and let them think I got laid, or to just be up front with them. I just secret option number 3, which is one of my favorite things in the world, selective truth telling. When one of them said something like "Oh you two have fun while we were gone?" I would just say something ambiguous that neither implied or denied anything. I think I would make a good politician at some point.

Eventually we left, hugged emily goodbye and said something stupid like "let's do this again sometime". Yeah I'm smooth like that. Emily already told Sabrina what happened so she asked if I was all right, I said I was fine though really I was anything but that. Having time to review that whole experience, and with further experimentation I can say now for sure that it was the weed that fucked with my dick. But you don't think clearly when you are a 19 year old who just had his dick just quit out on him when he was trying to hook up with a random girl for the sole reason of sex. It makes you question things. But there I was, in the back seat of Bob's car, smoking another bowl after riding up 3 hours up north to get laid, completely failed at that, now with 20 bucks less in my bank account and my boxer shorts in my pants pocket since I had to rush and get dressed when everyone came back.

If life imitates art, than my life had become a teen sex movie. Still unsure how I feel about that. But I got a good story out of this, so I think it was worth it.


  1. I lol'd.Followed

  2. Dude fuckin awesome. Cool story, because it reminds me of all my failed attempts with the other sex. Meh you win most you lose some. Chalk it up to experience. Fun read, keep it up!

  3. That's a good story, I lol at those teen sex movies but am a little ashamed to tell my mates that I do in fact like them. It more of something you watched when pissed or something

  4. nice story and blog!

  5. Oh, you.

    Love the quality content, sir.

    Followed and supporting!

    I'm over at if you're interested.

  6. Very high quality content. I can see the amount of effort it takes. Definitely following.

    If you have time

  7. yeah, it's pretty usual for you to not get an erection...usually when i'm smoking with someone whom i had previously wanted to fuck we end up not doing it just out of dissonance. besides, there are better things to think about besides sex, hah.

  8. I think it just depends on how weed effects you. It makes me kinda anxious and and analytical while totally spaced at the same time so it's hard for me to focus on a task for too long (like arousal for example). I know other people that fuck all the time while stoned so I dunno. Though I don't really have an issue with it when I'm alone so what that says about me I dunno.

  9. Great story, very entertaining. follow'd

    follow me back

  10. lol im jelly. unless your jelly of my rocknroll lifestyle. then i guess it evens out

  11. That's happened to me too, it sucks. You seriously have to acknowledge it yourself before she does so. Pretend not to be nervous, just act cool and try not to focus on it.

  12. I love the nood scenes!

  13. I know I shouldn't laugh at you, but laugh is what I did. I laughed...LONG and HARD.

    Oh...whoops....too soon?

  14. Oh I see what you did there. Haha no worries, it's been long enough since the incident that I can laugh at it now.