So a couple of years ago I decided I was going to go visit my friend at her school over Halloween. This whole thing originated from a bet she and I had on who could get laid first that semester (loser would have to take the trip and visit them on the next break from school). Frankly I thought I was at a disadvantage from the start since I had just started at a new school over in South Dakota and also because I'm a dude. Really the way I see it pretty much a girl can just walk up to a guy and ask for sex and she will have a much higher success rate than anyone of the male species. But it was pretty close and she actually beat me by one day. Didn't really mind though since South Dakota is fucking boring and really didn't have a clue what I would do to keep her entertained if she were to visit so a few weeks later I was hopping on a bus to Duluth.
Since high school got out my friend went from relatively prudish catholic girl to "omg I love weed and sex" girl. Not to say she's ho'ish by any means, but it was quite the transformation seeing as how I used to get shit for coming to movie night totally blazed out of my mind. My stay there was pretty fun, got to party with people that didn't like Nickleback for once (seriously South Dakota has no taste at all) and I got to kinda hook up with her roommate (just a handjob, but she was a virgin and I didn't want to deal with the drama of being her first time and then leaving to another state), but there was this one thing that happened while I was there that was pretty funny so I'm going to share that with ya'll.
My friend and I were bowl cruising around Duluth and listening to some pretty sweet tunes. My friend decided she needed new large sun glasses to wear since that was essential to her being in public while stoned. So we park on the street, put money in a parking meter and go into ragstock. I was just kinda along for the ride and just watching things happen while we were there. Finally found out where she got all the ridiculous handbags she has that have pictures of retarded unicorns and weird godzilla type things. Anyways she buys like 3 pairs of sunglasses as I stand there trying not to be obviously baked (we were smoking alaskan thunderfcuk, good fuckin bud man). We exit the store eventually get into the car and was ready to continue on driving aimlessly looking and cool shit......but there was a problem.
When my friend tried to the start the car the key wouldn't move at all in the ignition. She sat there struggling with it for a moment or two before she finally clued me in that there may be an issue. I tried to turn it just to see if maybe she was just being stoned and failing, but sure enough that key wouldn't budge at all. Now some of you reading this may already know what the issue was but to give you some background info, we were both suburban children with soft hands. As in we weren't the manual labor type and also we don't know shit about cars. The key goes here, gas is on the right, brakes on the left. That's about it. So when the first part of the whole process of how to make a car start doesn't work....well we were both collectively stumped on what the fuck was going on.
I decided to take out the owners manual and see if I could figure out what was going on while my friend fiddled around and did stuff. While all of this is going on in the back of my head I was becoming increasingly paranoid about the time on the parking meter running out. Hindsight says that there was probably plenty of time on it still, but I couldn't get the image out of my head of it running out and then having some meter maid come by and tell us to move. Then we would have to tell them that the car isn't starting, then they will eventually noticed how stoned we are and all kind of bad things was going to happen. The panic was becoming greater and greater and I wasn't getting shit out of the owners manual. There were WAY too many words in WAY too small of print. Plus I spent like a minute trying to make sense of the first page before I realized I was on the spanish section. Deciding that a new plan needed to be implemented I decided to call one of my friends in South Dakota who has car knowledge of a sort. The call went a little like this
"Hello?"-my friend
"Heyyyyy man"-me
"What's up?"
"Ok dude, so you know how I'm in Duluth right? Well we parked on the street to go into a store, and when we came back in the key wouldn't move in the ignition and we have been going at this for like 10 minutes now and the parking meter is going to run out and I don't know what to do so do you know what the fuck is wrong?!"
".......hahahahahahaha, dude how high are you?"
"Pretty fucking high man, but seriously this is freaking me out."
"Oh my god you fail at life so hard right now dude."
"Shut up."
"Dude you just turn the wheel while turning the ignition at the same time."
"..........seriously?"
"hahaha, yeah man"
*I tell my friend what he said*
"ok we're trying it."
*my friend turns the wheel while starting the ignition and it works*
"HOLY SHIT MAN IT WORKED!!!!"
"Oh wow man"
"Seriously how did you know to do that?"
"Basic knowledge? I dunno it's just something you know dude."
"Well seriously you are a god amongst men. Thanks man"
We then drove off, got even higher and found some bikes in a parking lot and rode them around in circles before getting bored and left.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
My Life is a Sex Comedy Film
One of my favorite move genres is the teen sex comedy. As you might have guessed from the few previous entries on here, I am a fan of lewd behavior and watching such antics unfold on the big screen is amusing to me. Plus pointless nudity is always a plus in my book. So imagine my delight when I found myself more or less reenacting the plot of the teen sex comedy "Sex Drive" one night.
It was summer time and I have just returned home from college. I called up some of my old high school friends and we all got together to hang out and really do nothing but just kinda drive around, basically doing what we did back in high school. It was me, my friends Sabrina, Amanda and Bob. We were just riding along when Sabrina got a call from one her friends from where she goes to school. Those two were talking for a bit and maybe it was because prior to being picked up I had downed 2 mountain dews and was more or less hyper, but I felt the need to take Sabrina's phone and participate in that phone conversation. Can't quite recall what we talked about, I believe Harry Potter was mentioned. Anyways I handed the phone back to Sabrina and they talked some more and what I could gather from the conversation was that Sabrina's friend on the phone was trying to convince her to go back up to where she lived (which was 3 hour drive away) to hang out. That went on until Sabrina turned to me and said "Emily (the girl on the phone) will have sex with we go up and visit her."
Well that was an interesting proposition. I was in the middle of a dry spell since my previous fuck buddy had cut me off due to me behaving like a douchebag (I admit it and don't blame her) and the prospect of a sure thing with minimal work involved seemed pretty enticing. All I had to do was cough up money for gas and sit through a 3 hour drive. Bob and Amanda didn't really have anything else to do so they were down for the adventure so after stopping for road trip cigarettes, soda and gas we were on our way.
There's a reason when movies involve a road trip, it's usually done in some sort of montage with upbeat music playing over it. They aren't terribly interesting. Only real part of that whole journey up there was me high-fiving Bob a few times because I was going to get laid and at one point I put Prince on the ipod. Prince is awesome.
So 3 hours later we show up at Sabrina's boyfriends house which is where everyone is at. It's always tricky when you are meeting the friends of your friend that you have no prior contact with. They all have their own jokes and history and how they relate to each other. It was here I realized the ulterior motive for eveyrone else to come along on this trip was to get some bud. So we all get in our circle, smoke up and watch skits from SNL (SLOTHS!!!). Now there really is no way to describe this feeling, you just have to experience it yourself to know what I'm talking about. But well all the people I rode with knew why we were here, and all of the other people in the room also knew. So it was a whole new level of awkward going on with these people bringing up the imminent sex that was to be coming up eventually. Though since I'm airing my sex life in a blog, it's not like I'm an overtly shy person. But I did find the whole situation to be kinda uncomfortable. Maybe it just felt even moreso awkward then it should have since i was high as balls. I honestly don't know why I continue to smoke up with large groups or in social settings. While others seem to become calm while high, I usually become overly analytical and twitchy. I'm the guy that's sitting there and hasn't said a word in 2 hours because I've been figuring out the meaning behind everyones posture (as a result I will say that I think I'm pretty good at reading body language now).
Eventually everyone decided they needed more weed so they went off to buy some and it all almost too conveniantly worked out that there would be not enough room for 2 people to travel to said dealers house. So Me and Emily elected to stay behind. She was a cute red head, which worked out for me since I love red heads. I had stumbled upon her facebook in the past so I had an idea of what I was working with and was delighted to see that all the pictures weren't misleading as most girls are prone to do (the myspace angle should be illegal, that's all I'm going to say about that). We got to talking about.....stuff. Not really sure what was going on as to myself being super stoned but I think I mentioned J.R.R Tolkein at one point. She must of sense my nervousness (or me just being stoned and twitchy) and mentioned that we didn't have to do anything at all. Maybe she thought it was weird that I was trying to talk to her as opposed to just pouncing on her right away. Truth be told maybe I should have done that, but this was my first experience with hooking up with someone totally new, and having already agreed that sex was going to happen. I wasn't exactly sure what the protocol was. I believe I actually told her that and we just sorta bullshitted around. At one point we got up for water since I had dry mouth. We then went back down to the basement and then she turned around and gave me a look that said "let's just cut the bullshit" and well cut the bull shit we did.
We went to the futon and proceeded to eat each others faces and grope each other. Things were going fine for the most part but I noticed something didn't feel right in my head. I just ignored it and moved on. I'm not sure how other people do it, but I like to move along one piece of clothing at a time. You gotta build up the suspense and desire. But bit by bit each of us were running out of clothing until both of us were down to just our skivvies. It was when we reached this point and still fooling around I realized what was wrong. I wasn't hard at all. Maybe if I hadn't realized this things would have gone totally fine, but unfortunately once I realized this, it was all that I was thinking about. Unfortunately this girl wasn't as fond of foreplay as I was and wanted the sex that she promised. So she reaches down my boxer shorts and feels my currently unimpressive dick. She then uttered one of the worst things you can say to a guy
"Why aren't you hard yet?"
Though in her defense it was a perfectly valid question and one that I didn't have the answer to. But if I wasn't already panicking in my head over this, I was now. I figured it was just going to happen eventually so I was just putting it off and hoping for the erection to just happen magically. When that didn't work i went for something that I thought for sure was going to work. Oral. This was one of the most bizarre experiences of my life because while it still felt amazing....it had no effect on me at all. It just refused to grow. And god bless her she tried for a while and didn't seem fussy about it either. Eventually though I just realized that it was hopeless for me, but if I wasn't going to get off that didn't mean she couldn't, I am a gentleman after all. The cunnilingus went pretty well I thought, it was my first time actually being able to pin point a girls G-spot as opposed to just stumbling upon it on accident. It was also my first time with a girl that didn't shave down there. I was still pulling out hairs from my teeth hours after I left.
But anyways eventually our friends came back from weed shopping. They were all giggly and kept giving me knowing looks, having no idea what actually went down. This gave me 2 options, to either go along with it and let them think I got laid, or to just be up front with them. I just secret option number 3, which is one of my favorite things in the world, selective truth telling. When one of them said something like "Oh you two have fun while we were gone?" I would just say something ambiguous that neither implied or denied anything. I think I would make a good politician at some point.
Eventually we left, hugged emily goodbye and said something stupid like "let's do this again sometime". Yeah I'm smooth like that. Emily already told Sabrina what happened so she asked if I was all right, I said I was fine though really I was anything but that. Having time to review that whole experience, and with further experimentation I can say now for sure that it was the weed that fucked with my dick. But you don't think clearly when you are a 19 year old who just had his dick just quit out on him when he was trying to hook up with a random girl for the sole reason of sex. It makes you question things. But there I was, in the back seat of Bob's car, smoking another bowl after riding up 3 hours up north to get laid, completely failed at that, now with 20 bucks less in my bank account and my boxer shorts in my pants pocket since I had to rush and get dressed when everyone came back.
If life imitates art, than my life had become a teen sex movie. Still unsure how I feel about that. But I got a good story out of this, so I think it was worth it.
It was summer time and I have just returned home from college. I called up some of my old high school friends and we all got together to hang out and really do nothing but just kinda drive around, basically doing what we did back in high school. It was me, my friends Sabrina, Amanda and Bob. We were just riding along when Sabrina got a call from one her friends from where she goes to school. Those two were talking for a bit and maybe it was because prior to being picked up I had downed 2 mountain dews and was more or less hyper, but I felt the need to take Sabrina's phone and participate in that phone conversation. Can't quite recall what we talked about, I believe Harry Potter was mentioned. Anyways I handed the phone back to Sabrina and they talked some more and what I could gather from the conversation was that Sabrina's friend on the phone was trying to convince her to go back up to where she lived (which was 3 hour drive away) to hang out. That went on until Sabrina turned to me and said "Emily (the girl on the phone) will have sex with we go up and visit her."
Well that was an interesting proposition. I was in the middle of a dry spell since my previous fuck buddy had cut me off due to me behaving like a douchebag (I admit it and don't blame her) and the prospect of a sure thing with minimal work involved seemed pretty enticing. All I had to do was cough up money for gas and sit through a 3 hour drive. Bob and Amanda didn't really have anything else to do so they were down for the adventure so after stopping for road trip cigarettes, soda and gas we were on our way.
There's a reason when movies involve a road trip, it's usually done in some sort of montage with upbeat music playing over it. They aren't terribly interesting. Only real part of that whole journey up there was me high-fiving Bob a few times because I was going to get laid and at one point I put Prince on the ipod. Prince is awesome.
So 3 hours later we show up at Sabrina's boyfriends house which is where everyone is at. It's always tricky when you are meeting the friends of your friend that you have no prior contact with. They all have their own jokes and history and how they relate to each other. It was here I realized the ulterior motive for eveyrone else to come along on this trip was to get some bud. So we all get in our circle, smoke up and watch skits from SNL (SLOTHS!!!). Now there really is no way to describe this feeling, you just have to experience it yourself to know what I'm talking about. But well all the people I rode with knew why we were here, and all of the other people in the room also knew. So it was a whole new level of awkward going on with these people bringing up the imminent sex that was to be coming up eventually. Though since I'm airing my sex life in a blog, it's not like I'm an overtly shy person. But I did find the whole situation to be kinda uncomfortable. Maybe it just felt even moreso awkward then it should have since i was high as balls. I honestly don't know why I continue to smoke up with large groups or in social settings. While others seem to become calm while high, I usually become overly analytical and twitchy. I'm the guy that's sitting there and hasn't said a word in 2 hours because I've been figuring out the meaning behind everyones posture (as a result I will say that I think I'm pretty good at reading body language now).
Eventually everyone decided they needed more weed so they went off to buy some and it all almost too conveniantly worked out that there would be not enough room for 2 people to travel to said dealers house. So Me and Emily elected to stay behind. She was a cute red head, which worked out for me since I love red heads. I had stumbled upon her facebook in the past so I had an idea of what I was working with and was delighted to see that all the pictures weren't misleading as most girls are prone to do (the myspace angle should be illegal, that's all I'm going to say about that). We got to talking about.....stuff. Not really sure what was going on as to myself being super stoned but I think I mentioned J.R.R Tolkein at one point. She must of sense my nervousness (or me just being stoned and twitchy) and mentioned that we didn't have to do anything at all. Maybe she thought it was weird that I was trying to talk to her as opposed to just pouncing on her right away. Truth be told maybe I should have done that, but this was my first experience with hooking up with someone totally new, and having already agreed that sex was going to happen. I wasn't exactly sure what the protocol was. I believe I actually told her that and we just sorta bullshitted around. At one point we got up for water since I had dry mouth. We then went back down to the basement and then she turned around and gave me a look that said "let's just cut the bullshit" and well cut the bull shit we did.
We went to the futon and proceeded to eat each others faces and grope each other. Things were going fine for the most part but I noticed something didn't feel right in my head. I just ignored it and moved on. I'm not sure how other people do it, but I like to move along one piece of clothing at a time. You gotta build up the suspense and desire. But bit by bit each of us were running out of clothing until both of us were down to just our skivvies. It was when we reached this point and still fooling around I realized what was wrong. I wasn't hard at all. Maybe if I hadn't realized this things would have gone totally fine, but unfortunately once I realized this, it was all that I was thinking about. Unfortunately this girl wasn't as fond of foreplay as I was and wanted the sex that she promised. So she reaches down my boxer shorts and feels my currently unimpressive dick. She then uttered one of the worst things you can say to a guy
"Why aren't you hard yet?"
Though in her defense it was a perfectly valid question and one that I didn't have the answer to. But if I wasn't already panicking in my head over this, I was now. I figured it was just going to happen eventually so I was just putting it off and hoping for the erection to just happen magically. When that didn't work i went for something that I thought for sure was going to work. Oral. This was one of the most bizarre experiences of my life because while it still felt amazing....it had no effect on me at all. It just refused to grow. And god bless her she tried for a while and didn't seem fussy about it either. Eventually though I just realized that it was hopeless for me, but if I wasn't going to get off that didn't mean she couldn't, I am a gentleman after all. The cunnilingus went pretty well I thought, it was my first time actually being able to pin point a girls G-spot as opposed to just stumbling upon it on accident. It was also my first time with a girl that didn't shave down there. I was still pulling out hairs from my teeth hours after I left.
But anyways eventually our friends came back from weed shopping. They were all giggly and kept giving me knowing looks, having no idea what actually went down. This gave me 2 options, to either go along with it and let them think I got laid, or to just be up front with them. I just secret option number 3, which is one of my favorite things in the world, selective truth telling. When one of them said something like "Oh you two have fun while we were gone?" I would just say something ambiguous that neither implied or denied anything. I think I would make a good politician at some point.
Eventually we left, hugged emily goodbye and said something stupid like "let's do this again sometime". Yeah I'm smooth like that. Emily already told Sabrina what happened so she asked if I was all right, I said I was fine though really I was anything but that. Having time to review that whole experience, and with further experimentation I can say now for sure that it was the weed that fucked with my dick. But you don't think clearly when you are a 19 year old who just had his dick just quit out on him when he was trying to hook up with a random girl for the sole reason of sex. It makes you question things. But there I was, in the back seat of Bob's car, smoking another bowl after riding up 3 hours up north to get laid, completely failed at that, now with 20 bucks less in my bank account and my boxer shorts in my pants pocket since I had to rush and get dressed when everyone came back.
If life imitates art, than my life had become a teen sex movie. Still unsure how I feel about that. But I got a good story out of this, so I think it was worth it.
Friday, January 21, 2011
The Hierarchy of Alcohol
So I'm at a party in some rental house with a bunch of people for new years. Walking around you will see that everyone has some sort of drink in hand. Most guys have their beers, girls have wine or are taking way too many shots of hard alcohol because it will give them attention. I walk upstairs start talking to a girl and she asks me what I was drinking. I pull out my bottle of UV blue mixed with mountain dew.
"What the fuck is with the high school drink?" she says.
I really wish I kept track of how many times I got comments similar to that on that night. I found the whole thing very perplexing. I mean I have seen TV characters give people shit for their taste in alcohol, but I thought it was just one of those occurrences that happen with only fictional characters. I was mistaken.
From what I understand if you a dick and a pair of balls, there are certain kinds of alcohol you are allowed to enjoy. As of course, a real man enjoys all kinds of beer (bonus points if it's foreign), any kind of whiskey, rum, vodka, scotch and I believe wine is acceptable if you are the kind of guy who walks around in a turtleneck. If it tastes like some sort of fruit then you are a flaming homosexual for drinking it. Hence that whole "bro icing bro's" trend from a few months back where they "embarrassed" their bro's by making them drink some booze that was meant for females.
This is the thing I don't understand about this mentality. I don't know ANYONE who is a seasoned alcohol drinker and does it just for the taste of it. None of these people sit around with the fireplace going, in their study with a fire roaring with a glass of scotch and they absorb the aroma of it. At my age, the only reason we drink is because A) We can now legally and B) so we can get fucking drunk.
Now I hear people say that when drinking that shouldn't be your main goal, but these people also sound like those supposed "sex experts" where they say the goal of sex shouldn't be to orgasm. I'm sure their logic makes sense to some people, but it just sounds bizarre and stupid to me. But I digress, everyone I know who drinks, does so because it makes them feel good and it's pretty much a license to do things you'll kinda regret but not really since they already wanted to do it but didn't have the balls to do so. My question is, why the fuck should it matter how you get said alcohol into your system?
I drink UV because it's in my price range, it's alcohol that you can drink straight if you are in a pinch and because I like it. I have had those fruity Smirnoff drinks as well where they taste like watermelon and I loved those. They have more alcohol in them compared to the beers that come in containers that size and they taste a hell of a lot better. I avoid whiskey now because the last time I had it, I blacked out a weekend and walked around my friends house naked and did the meat spin in front of them as I'm told. The smell of it makes me feel ill. I just don't understand how the taste of our alcohol somehow got turned into a "who's dick is bigger" contest. We're all here to get drunk, find a girl with low self-esteem and try and do something we'll both regret. Does it really matter how I get from Point A to Point B, if we are all going to end up in the same place anyways?
"What the fuck is with the high school drink?" she says.
I really wish I kept track of how many times I got comments similar to that on that night. I found the whole thing very perplexing. I mean I have seen TV characters give people shit for their taste in alcohol, but I thought it was just one of those occurrences that happen with only fictional characters. I was mistaken.
From what I understand if you a dick and a pair of balls, there are certain kinds of alcohol you are allowed to enjoy. As of course, a real man enjoys all kinds of beer (bonus points if it's foreign), any kind of whiskey, rum, vodka, scotch and I believe wine is acceptable if you are the kind of guy who walks around in a turtleneck. If it tastes like some sort of fruit then you are a flaming homosexual for drinking it. Hence that whole "bro icing bro's" trend from a few months back where they "embarrassed" their bro's by making them drink some booze that was meant for females.
This is the thing I don't understand about this mentality. I don't know ANYONE who is a seasoned alcohol drinker and does it just for the taste of it. None of these people sit around with the fireplace going, in their study with a fire roaring with a glass of scotch and they absorb the aroma of it. At my age, the only reason we drink is because A) We can now legally and B) so we can get fucking drunk.
Now I hear people say that when drinking that shouldn't be your main goal, but these people also sound like those supposed "sex experts" where they say the goal of sex shouldn't be to orgasm. I'm sure their logic makes sense to some people, but it just sounds bizarre and stupid to me. But I digress, everyone I know who drinks, does so because it makes them feel good and it's pretty much a license to do things you'll kinda regret but not really since they already wanted to do it but didn't have the balls to do so. My question is, why the fuck should it matter how you get said alcohol into your system?
I drink UV because it's in my price range, it's alcohol that you can drink straight if you are in a pinch and because I like it. I have had those fruity Smirnoff drinks as well where they taste like watermelon and I loved those. They have more alcohol in them compared to the beers that come in containers that size and they taste a hell of a lot better. I avoid whiskey now because the last time I had it, I blacked out a weekend and walked around my friends house naked and did the meat spin in front of them as I'm told. The smell of it makes me feel ill. I just don't understand how the taste of our alcohol somehow got turned into a "who's dick is bigger" contest. We're all here to get drunk, find a girl with low self-esteem and try and do something we'll both regret. Does it really matter how I get from Point A to Point B, if we are all going to end up in the same place anyways?
Monday, January 17, 2011
Coming of Age Story: A Reflection
Looking back on the Coming of Age stories they don't seem to have aged very well. Actually kinda more embarrassed by them than anything else. There is a 3rd one but that one isn't even worth posting since it was written so terribly and I'm too lazy to edit/re-write it at this moment. But regardless I find it kind of nice to have these time capsules of myself back in the day. 17 years old and finally achieving the status of "sexually active". These stories were more or less me shouting from the rooftops of the internet with megaphone "HEY GUYS! SOME GIRL LET ME GET UNDER HER SHIRT!!!! AWESOME!!!". Maybe that's why I don't like these stories so much now since too me I just look at it as blatant bragging more so than actual prose. Also reading my thoughts on my girlfriend at the time kinda makes me feel like I was a terrible person back then, since not only am I bragging about my sexual exploits but also bragging about myself using a girl as an ends to those means. At least I can say I have matured since those days.....mostly
Coming of Age Story: Part 2
After the last adventure I had I felt like a new man. 17 years of sexual frustration finally released. Though it wasn’t exactly how I imagined my first make out session or blowjob would be like I still was ecstatic about it and told just about anyone who was willing to listen to my risqué tale.
2 days after the blowjob incident the (then) girlfriend and I are at my house and seeing as how it was a relationship solely based on my need for a sexual outlet; we didn’t do a lot of talking. The girl was a quirky girl to say the very least. She kept on telling me how much she liked being dominated (which was just perfect for me) but she had no qualms with taking what she wanted as well. So not even a minute of going through my walkway she has me pushed up against the wall and kissing me to the point that I’m fighting for air. Now I don’t mind a girl being on the assertive at all but my male ego could not take being in the “weaker” role of the relationship and I draw the line at suffocation, so I took control of the situation and had her up against the wall. We were like that for a bit, she was doing this amazing thing massaging my crotch with my knee while making out with her. I told all my female friends to do that when they are fooling around with a guy, it’s really awesome. I then make the super suave suggestion of showing her my room since she hasn’t seen it yet…she accepted my offer.
When we get into my room she immediately jumps onto my bed. In a prior phone conversation with she said when she wants something she makes it really obvious. So when she got onto my bed sort of stuck her ass out in the air as if she was presenting it to me while giving me a really provocative look. A blind eunuch would have known what she wanted to do. So I got on the bed and got on top of her and that’s how I first ever started dry humping someone. One thing I found about dry humping was that I found it to be very awkward. While doing that all I could think about was dogs having sex (I guess that’s why when there are no clothes involved it’s called “doggie style”). But then again I find that any sexual act with a person you don’t actually enjoy being around is pretty awkward.
I got tired of humping her from behind so I flipped her over and see if it was any different from this angle. I was wrong. I realized just how out of shape I was since my arms were shaking from struggling to support my weight. Thankfully she thought I was shaking because I was nervous. I decided to let her keep on thinking that.
We keep going at it for a bit but then she did something I hoped she never would do. She started pushing my head down.
Now I have to explain a certain personality quirk of mine. I have “Eurotophobia” which is a phobia of female genitalia. To put it bluntly I find a girls vagina to be one of the most disgusting things on the planet. I can’t even look at it but the thought of touching it just made me feel ill. Not entirely sure why it gross’s me out so much. I think it might have something to do with the very first bare vagina I saw was a Penthouse picture and it showed a girl spreading open her cooch. I had to fight the urge to throw up when I saw that. It’s because of this phobia I have refused to watch any hardcore pornography or look at any nude magazine besides Playboy.
So with that in mind imagine my horror as she was pushing my head down. I could have just told her “No.” but at the same time she went down on me on the first date and even after I sorta peed in her car. It would have been a real dick move of me to not pay her back. So I’m gradually moving down, taking my time trying out this thing called “foreplay”. All the while I’m having a panic attack about what I’m going to do. My thought process went a little like this
“HOLY SHIT I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS!!!
“I don’t even know what I’m doing!”
“What if she isn’t shaven? ”
“I REALLY don’t want to do this”
“Does it really smell like tuna? ”
“What if find the wrong hole?”
“I don’t want to do this! ”
Eventually I came to the conclusion that I just couldn’t go down on her no matter what. Unfortunately by the time I reached this conclusion her pants were already off. My brain didn’t want to do this. My body had otherwise to say.
So there I was at the point of no return, I took a quick glance at my destination and then looked away. I still couldn’t look at for more than a second; the first thing that came to mind was the Sarlac Pit Monster from Star Wars. Thankfully she was fully shaven. Much like a guy who is lost on a road trip yet refuses to pull over to ask how to get the destination, I had no idea what I was supposed to do, but my male ego wasn’t ready to admit that. I first tried mimicking what I’ve seen in the porno’s I’ve watched but since I couldn’t watch anything besides soft core porn, the most I knew what to do was the parts leading up to the actual act. I was screwed. After a bit of kissing around the area I confessed to being completely lost. She brought my head back up and told me to give her a clit a really long kiss and demonstrated the kiss on me. Now with a vague idea of what I was supposed to do I went back down south.
I found the clit…and I gave it a long kiss.
And…
It really wasn’t all that bad.
I really didn’t enjoy myself any down there, it made me lose my wood but it wasn’t a bad experience either. It didn’t smell/taste like tuna. In fact I didn’t really taste anything discernable. She made it kind of difficult since she seemed unable to lie still while I was performing on her. At one point she was pretty much humping my face. Not quite sure how long I was down there, maybe I blocked out most of the experience which is why I didn’t think it was that bad, but eventually I got a tap on the head and I came back up. When she looked down at me she started to laugh. She then wiped off a liquid substance off of my mouth/chin area. I thought that was just excess spit from my mouth. I guess she came all over my face. Surprisingly that part didn’t traumatize me at all, in fact it didn’t bother me one bit. The suggestion she made next however did. She told me to put my fingers inside of her.
Another little personality quirk I have is that I can’t stand getting my hands dirty. As a little kid if I fell in the sandbox I would try to get back up without using my hands because I didn’t want to get sand all over my hand. While most kids loved to carve pumpkins and take out the seeds in them, I used to cry when I had to do that, I found the insides of pumpkins disgusting and I did not want to stick my hand inside of it. To me sticking my fingers in a vagina sounds just as appealing as sticking my hand in a pumpkin.
I put up a little struggle but she guided my hands down there and I complied. She did have my dick in her mouth for over 30 minutes…what was I supposed to do/say?
So…my fingers were put inside of her.
And MY GOD the vagina feels so freaking weird.
I don’t know what I was expecting but I don’t think anything in the world could have prepared me for that.
I’ve never felt anything like that in my life.
And all the while fingering her, my thoughts alternated between:
“Holy crap I can’t believe I’m doing this!”
and
“This is REALLY gross.”
The only way I can think of describing a vagina is this.
It feels like a jelly cave.
If there ever was a cave and all the walls were covered in jelly it would be like a vagina.
I don’t think she was paying attention to my face very much because I’m sure I was making looks of pure confusion and disgust. After a bit she wanted me to finger her from behind, at this point I didn’t care anymore. I already have done 2 things I didn’t want to do at all, why should it matter if it was in a different position?
I actually liked it better that way; it sort of opened up the jelly cave a bit so my fingers felt less cramped.
After a bit of that I guess she had her fill and signaled me to stop. We started to dry hump again…well I was dry humping since my pants were still on, she was just regular humping. During this exchange though my member popped out of the protection of my boxer shorts and started rubbing up against the zipper. To this day I do not understand why I didn’t stop and readjust myself, maybe I thought it would ruin the mood or something but I thought it would be a good idea to play through the pain. It was not fun.
After that I guess she thought it was my turn and kept on telling me to “take what I want”. Under normal circumstances I guess any guy would want to hear that. But in that situation, honestly I just wanted her to get the hell out of my house. I preformed cunnilingus for the first time my fingers and felt something entirely new, weird and disgusting at the same time and to top it all off now my dick hurts. I just wanted some alone time.
Though I am not above going out with a girl just to get physical action I guess I’m not above kicking a girl out of my house without having a good reason. We fooled around some more and though I was tempted to get another blowjob. At first I decided against it…then thought “Fuck it” but by this time the girlfriend was paranoid of my mom coming home and refused.
After that the relationship ended less than a week afterwards with no more real adventures to tell about her. But I’ll never forget the Jelly Cave.
2 days after the blowjob incident the (then) girlfriend and I are at my house and seeing as how it was a relationship solely based on my need for a sexual outlet; we didn’t do a lot of talking. The girl was a quirky girl to say the very least. She kept on telling me how much she liked being dominated (which was just perfect for me) but she had no qualms with taking what she wanted as well. So not even a minute of going through my walkway she has me pushed up against the wall and kissing me to the point that I’m fighting for air. Now I don’t mind a girl being on the assertive at all but my male ego could not take being in the “weaker” role of the relationship and I draw the line at suffocation, so I took control of the situation and had her up against the wall. We were like that for a bit, she was doing this amazing thing massaging my crotch with my knee while making out with her. I told all my female friends to do that when they are fooling around with a guy, it’s really awesome. I then make the super suave suggestion of showing her my room since she hasn’t seen it yet…she accepted my offer.
When we get into my room she immediately jumps onto my bed. In a prior phone conversation with she said when she wants something she makes it really obvious. So when she got onto my bed sort of stuck her ass out in the air as if she was presenting it to me while giving me a really provocative look. A blind eunuch would have known what she wanted to do. So I got on the bed and got on top of her and that’s how I first ever started dry humping someone. One thing I found about dry humping was that I found it to be very awkward. While doing that all I could think about was dogs having sex (I guess that’s why when there are no clothes involved it’s called “doggie style”). But then again I find that any sexual act with a person you don’t actually enjoy being around is pretty awkward.
I got tired of humping her from behind so I flipped her over and see if it was any different from this angle. I was wrong. I realized just how out of shape I was since my arms were shaking from struggling to support my weight. Thankfully she thought I was shaking because I was nervous. I decided to let her keep on thinking that.
We keep going at it for a bit but then she did something I hoped she never would do. She started pushing my head down.
Now I have to explain a certain personality quirk of mine. I have “Eurotophobia” which is a phobia of female genitalia. To put it bluntly I find a girls vagina to be one of the most disgusting things on the planet. I can’t even look at it but the thought of touching it just made me feel ill. Not entirely sure why it gross’s me out so much. I think it might have something to do with the very first bare vagina I saw was a Penthouse picture and it showed a girl spreading open her cooch. I had to fight the urge to throw up when I saw that. It’s because of this phobia I have refused to watch any hardcore pornography or look at any nude magazine besides Playboy.
So with that in mind imagine my horror as she was pushing my head down. I could have just told her “No.” but at the same time she went down on me on the first date and even after I sorta peed in her car. It would have been a real dick move of me to not pay her back. So I’m gradually moving down, taking my time trying out this thing called “foreplay”. All the while I’m having a panic attack about what I’m going to do. My thought process went a little like this
“HOLY SHIT I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS!!!
“I don’t even know what I’m doing!”
“What if she isn’t shaven? ”
“I REALLY don’t want to do this”
“Does it really smell like tuna? ”
“What if find the wrong hole?”
“I don’t want to do this! ”
Eventually I came to the conclusion that I just couldn’t go down on her no matter what. Unfortunately by the time I reached this conclusion her pants were already off. My brain didn’t want to do this. My body had otherwise to say.
So there I was at the point of no return, I took a quick glance at my destination and then looked away. I still couldn’t look at for more than a second; the first thing that came to mind was the Sarlac Pit Monster from Star Wars. Thankfully she was fully shaven. Much like a guy who is lost on a road trip yet refuses to pull over to ask how to get the destination, I had no idea what I was supposed to do, but my male ego wasn’t ready to admit that. I first tried mimicking what I’ve seen in the porno’s I’ve watched but since I couldn’t watch anything besides soft core porn, the most I knew what to do was the parts leading up to the actual act. I was screwed. After a bit of kissing around the area I confessed to being completely lost. She brought my head back up and told me to give her a clit a really long kiss and demonstrated the kiss on me. Now with a vague idea of what I was supposed to do I went back down south.
I found the clit…and I gave it a long kiss.
And…
It really wasn’t all that bad.
I really didn’t enjoy myself any down there, it made me lose my wood but it wasn’t a bad experience either. It didn’t smell/taste like tuna. In fact I didn’t really taste anything discernable. She made it kind of difficult since she seemed unable to lie still while I was performing on her. At one point she was pretty much humping my face. Not quite sure how long I was down there, maybe I blocked out most of the experience which is why I didn’t think it was that bad, but eventually I got a tap on the head and I came back up. When she looked down at me she started to laugh. She then wiped off a liquid substance off of my mouth/chin area. I thought that was just excess spit from my mouth. I guess she came all over my face. Surprisingly that part didn’t traumatize me at all, in fact it didn’t bother me one bit. The suggestion she made next however did. She told me to put my fingers inside of her.
Another little personality quirk I have is that I can’t stand getting my hands dirty. As a little kid if I fell in the sandbox I would try to get back up without using my hands because I didn’t want to get sand all over my hand. While most kids loved to carve pumpkins and take out the seeds in them, I used to cry when I had to do that, I found the insides of pumpkins disgusting and I did not want to stick my hand inside of it. To me sticking my fingers in a vagina sounds just as appealing as sticking my hand in a pumpkin.
I put up a little struggle but she guided my hands down there and I complied. She did have my dick in her mouth for over 30 minutes…what was I supposed to do/say?
So…my fingers were put inside of her.
And MY GOD the vagina feels so freaking weird.
I don’t know what I was expecting but I don’t think anything in the world could have prepared me for that.
I’ve never felt anything like that in my life.
And all the while fingering her, my thoughts alternated between:
“Holy crap I can’t believe I’m doing this!”
and
“This is REALLY gross.”
The only way I can think of describing a vagina is this.
It feels like a jelly cave.
If there ever was a cave and all the walls were covered in jelly it would be like a vagina.
I don’t think she was paying attention to my face very much because I’m sure I was making looks of pure confusion and disgust. After a bit she wanted me to finger her from behind, at this point I didn’t care anymore. I already have done 2 things I didn’t want to do at all, why should it matter if it was in a different position?
I actually liked it better that way; it sort of opened up the jelly cave a bit so my fingers felt less cramped.
After a bit of that I guess she had her fill and signaled me to stop. We started to dry hump again…well I was dry humping since my pants were still on, she was just regular humping. During this exchange though my member popped out of the protection of my boxer shorts and started rubbing up against the zipper. To this day I do not understand why I didn’t stop and readjust myself, maybe I thought it would ruin the mood or something but I thought it would be a good idea to play through the pain. It was not fun.
After that I guess she thought it was my turn and kept on telling me to “take what I want”. Under normal circumstances I guess any guy would want to hear that. But in that situation, honestly I just wanted her to get the hell out of my house. I preformed cunnilingus for the first time my fingers and felt something entirely new, weird and disgusting at the same time and to top it all off now my dick hurts. I just wanted some alone time.
Though I am not above going out with a girl just to get physical action I guess I’m not above kicking a girl out of my house without having a good reason. We fooled around some more and though I was tempted to get another blowjob. At first I decided against it…then thought “Fuck it” but by this time the girlfriend was paranoid of my mom coming home and refused.
After that the relationship ended less than a week afterwards with no more real adventures to tell about her. But I’ll never forget the Jelly Cave.
The point
So back in the day I used to write pages everyday about well...mostly nothing, but still I was at least writing. During the glory days of highschool blogging was also when I did the majority of all my stories. Fast forward to now, I have been "struggling" with a 3 year long writers block. So in a way of trying to deal with this I've decided to go back to my roots and start blogging again. Hopefully this will get the creative juices flowing so I can get back to the only thing that I have done that has ever brought me some sense of pride and accomplishment. Thankfully I still have most of my old stories saved away somewhere so I'm just going to copy and paste the classics here and then I'll start putting out some new content.
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