Monday, March 14, 2011

It's a small world after all

I've never been much for the club scene. I'm a shitty dancer and I feel creepy going up to random women and grinding on them. But sometimes it's healthy to go out of your comfort zone so last Saturday me and my buddy went out clubbin. I knew right away that if I was even going to have something that slightly resembled a good time I was going to need a decent buzz to make me lose my self-consciousness so as soon as I get in there I get myself a redbull and vodka. Right after that my friend told me that some people that he kinda knew from his school were also there tonight so we went off to find them.

I always hate being the friend who is just tagging along when everyone knows each other and I'm the new guy. But it wasn't so bad this time around. Made the introductions, asked the typical questions (where you from? what do you go to school for? spit or swallow?) and it all seemed kinda good. Eventually though these girls actually wanted to dance (who'd have thought?) and my friend seemed less enthused to do so, but I decided I was going to be a bold mofo and just say "fuck yeah, let's get out there!" The second I did so though I kinda regretted it, sure I was with 2 girls but I didn't know what to do with them. Do I dance by myself? How is one supposed to dance anyways? I just mostly move side to side in a kinda swaying motion (think the dance lesson from the movie "Hitch" and that about sums up all my dance skills). It went on like that for a little bit but I think eventually the vodka set in and I finally found my balls. I went up to the one girl that I talked to slightly more than the other and said "Ok, you're hot, let's dance."

That line worked out a lot better than I thought it would and I'm now pretty much going to use that in all future times when I want to make the transition from dancing next to someone to dancing with someone. Dancing with a girl is always easier since they really do all the work and you just kinda have to move side to side with them. So we danced a little bit and she was kinda grinding on me. Sometimes when I'm with a girl, I don't know if she's sending me the right signals for me to go in for the kiss. Basically from what I've figured out from personal experience, if you have to think about it, then you probably aren't getting the signals you want. I looked at her and her face was close to mine and she already had her head slightly tilted to the side so I just went for it. This was a good decision.

It's always tricky when you first kiss/make out with a new person because everyone has their own speed and tempo for how they do it. Maybe it was because I was buzzed or maybe she was drunk too, but I kept getting teeth. But all in all it worked out pretty well, the girl was really into me. In the process of making out with her found out she really liked having her hair pulled and having her ass slapped (honestly I think every girl likes this). Eventually though my mouth was getting tired so I went out for a smoke break and she and her friend came along, my buddy just quit smoking so he stayed inside. We talked about....stuff. I made fun of them for liking twilight and eventually we went back inside. I wanted another drink so was in line for fucking ever. After I finally got my drink the girls informed me that they were leaving, which sucked but the girl I was with gave me her number so I figured at least I have a potential lay in the future now. So the night was already a success for me but there was still plenty of time left so me and my buddy went out in search of new prey.

It was a little harder this time around since we didn't have that introduction to get the lead in. This is the most terrifying part of approaching women for me. Sure I know that really the worst thing they can say is "no" but really, my ego is too large to want to comprehend that a woman upon seeing me decides that she wants nothing to do with me, so I don't like putting myself in the position to get shit upon. But eventually you just gotta say "fuck it" right? So found this red head girl (redheads are the best) and just said "wanna dance?" and well got to grind up on her for a bit. I've danced/grinded with strangers in the past at concerts and the like and I always felt kinda weird about it because the music is so loud can't really talk to them, so wtf do you do besides rub your crotch up against their ass? So after a bit the girl I was with informs me she was off to get a refill of her water. I'm not sure if she wanted me to wait for her, or to follow but I just took as a "thanks for the dance, but I'm now politely going away from you now" so I just went back on the prowl.

Foudn my friend later on dancing with the typical blond girl that is way to good at moving her hips in a seductive manner. Then some douchebag guy came by and pushed him off of her. So my friend started to get in his face, next thing you know people are pushing people and I jumped in there to stop a fight from breaking out. Eventually some much larger men came in and pulled everyone apart (thankfully) and stopped it from getting violent. My friend went off to take a piss and I had to pretty much play babysitter for the rest of the night since he was now in one of those moods where it may punch someone for stepping on his shoes or some shit like that.

But alas there was a light at the end of the tunnel. The girls from before texted my friend telling us to come over. Don't get why they left in the first place if they just wanted us to hang later but now I went from "possibly getting laid at a later date" to "I'mma get some pusssy toniiiiiiiight" so I was pretty happy. Took some time to find their apartment (how people survived pre-google maps on phones I don't know) but we got there and kinda bull shitted for a bit.

I always find these situations to be kinda hilarious, because everyone knows what's going down. I'm gonna hook up with the girl I was with, and my friend is going to hook up with the other girl. Everyone knows that's what's going to happen. But we have to act like we came to just chill and as opposed to taking each others clothes off. Eventually after what was like a 10 minute argument we settled on a movie to watch (Anchorman) and from there things started getting fun. Eventually the other girl decided she wanted to move to the other couch instead of being on the one we were all on, my friend was kind of a dolt and just sat there and she had to say "you can come sit with me if you want" in order for him to realize what was up. So that freed up space for me and my girl on the couch. So she brought out the blanket and covered us up with it and sorta laid up against me. She was laying at an angle though that would have made it impossible for me to go in for a kiss, so I did the next best thing and groped her tits from under the blanket while the people on the other couch were making loud kissing noises. 5 minutes later they get off from the couch and they go to the girls room. So from here on in, shit was goin down.

Start making out on the couch for a bit before she decides that she wants to pull out the bed from the sofa. Do that and then my girl goes to the bathroom to like....clean up or whatever the fuck they do in there. She comes back, gets under the blanket, I get on top of her and then we just go at it. This girl was did have a little bit of chub, not all that much mind you but apparently enough to make her self conscious about it since she refused to let me take off her top. I don't get why girls do this. I'm already into you, do you really think some stretch marks or whatever is really going to make me get up and say "oh god, I'm sorry this was a mistake" and leave? So I had to just settle for rolling up her shirt and just popping her tits out of her bra...which is fine and all but the second I leave them alone, they go back into the bra and so it got kinda annoying having to fish them out every now and then.

Now I'm not sure what it's like for most guys, but it seems to be that most of the guys I know downright refuse to go down on a girl. They are just think it's gross or they think it's pointless when they can just finger bang her. Once I got over my phobia of the vag, I have made it a point to be a master of cunnilingus. It's not particularly my favorite thing to do, but if really most guys don't do that then I like to do it just so I stick out in her mind and is more willing for a round 2 somewhere down the road. Plus really personally the sexiest thing in the world is the sound of a woman moaning in pleasure, and when you're 3 fingers deep into a chick and lickng her up, you hear all the best sounds.

Eventually though we get to fucking and well...P went into the V and it was thrusted. Honestly sex isn't all that interesting to write about (when it goes correctly). Though on a side note I think I jerk off too much because really my dick was giving me some trouble that night. When she was going down on me it was fine, but when I went to put a condom on my dick was no longer that useful, so that was pretty much a waste of a condom. Also this girl had like a weird shaped vag, and missionary position just didn't felt right. Only way I got it to work right is when I propped her legs up on my shoulders so I could get a better angle. On top worked the best though. I wanted to try doggy but when I mentioned it she said "hell no, I hate that shit." which was an honest surprise since really almost every girl I've fucked, doggy was their favorite. Plus this girl obviously liked it rough at least slightly since I coudl tell she liked it when I pulled her hair, spanked her, bit her lip/neck. Hell she even wanted me to talk dirty. Since doggy is like the best position for all that stuff, not sure why she was so against it...but you know I'm not going to throw a fit about a position so I just moved on.

Eventually though we both finished up (she said her "soup" was that like a normal thing for a girl to refer to her vagina as? It's new to me) and we kinda cuddled and slept. Next few hours later was more or less kicked out which was fine by me since I didn't know what to say to these people now that we were all sober. Get home and do the typical facebook look up to see if the chick is crazy and worth calling up again a couple days later. Then I notice in our mutual friend area she is friends with my Dad. This was really fuckin weird news. Most of the people my dad is friends with is family, old military buddys and people from his church. then I had one of those movie "ah-ha" moments where everything kinda made sense. I remember a while ago when I was visiting my dad he took me to his church and I kinda sat in on one of his youth group meetings that he was in charge of. There was a girl there that had a name that stood out because it's not all that common. The girl I hooked up with had the same name. I had a one night stand with a girl who was a member of my Dad's youth group. I now feel kinda awesome.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

My first blackout

When I first started drinking I for some reason stuck only to hard alcohol. I couldn't stand beer at the time so I usually just mixed vodka or rum with whatever I could and get decently shitfaced. One night I went a little overboard. 

We were all at a party in my friends backyard and things were going great....I'm not sure exactly when I went from "pleasantly buzzed" to "obnoxious drunk" but I crossed that line and then some. The crazy thing about blackouts is that when people tell you what you did, you can almost picture yourself doing it, but have no memory of it whatsoever. 

The things I was told I did were:
  • Try and take a shit on the lawn
  • then chase people with my hands after taking a shit
  • groped a 15 (possibly 14) year old girl
  • Told a 26 year old man to hit me as hard as he can in the face
  • repeat everyones names I could remember
  • compliment a girl's top because it did a nice job of showing her cleavage
When I was first told that I did all of this, I was sure that people were just messing with me, but eventually I accepted that I made a total ass out of myself that night. Didn't surprise me though that I told the guy to hit me though, I've done it before while drunk but with not quite as large of men. I guess I was out cold for like 10 minutes and I guess he knocked my ear ring out off of me and gave me a nice bloody lip. The groping though lead to quite some stress. Though in my defense the girl in question is the very defintion of jail bait and as the story goes, a friend of mine asked her if it was ok for me to touch her boob (why? I have no clue) and she said ok. So I went for the feel, and I guess muscle memory just took over since usually when I' groping a boob I try to get under the shirt so when I did that people had to pull me off or whatever. 

The night raised some interesting questions though. Does booze turn people into raging douche bags or does the alcohol just bring out the true self and underneath it all I'm just an obnoxious perv? Still not sure what the answer is though, think it's a little bit of both. I abstained from alcohol for a bit until I eventually learned to hold my liquor...that is until my next blackout. But that's a whole other story. 

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Facebook Relationships

What a person in a relationship thinks when talking about how happy they are with their significant other: "Oh today was so great with "_____" I'm going to put a status about it showing "____" just how much I appreciated it."

What everyone else (especially the single people) thinks when seeing the post: "Shut the fuck up."

Saturday, March 5, 2011

One of these days...

I'll learn to stop saying I'm going to do one thing when in reality I'm just going to do something different. I've scrapped the entertainment hybrid blog idea just because really it just seems odd if I'll be talking about tv/movie reviews and then a few days later I'll put up a story about drunken debauchery. So Awkward Boner is going to remain my home for my anecdotes for now. May just make a separate blog for reviews and the like. Anyways have a 3 part story that I'm working on for you that'll explain why I now hate the city of Chicago. Will try and be more active on here but I'm just really fucking lazy.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

"Dying is for fools. Amateurs."

Charlie Sheen is pretty much my hero now. I've always hated 2 and a half men but this go is so bat shit crazy you just can't help but like him. The man defies karma.